Interview with Bipolar Disorder

As a bipolar supporter, there have been many times over the years where I have tried to communicate with my wife about her experiences in dealing with bipolar disorder from the inside.  I’ve asked her such questions as,  “What does this feel like?” or “What is going through your mind when…?”

This is a tough way to communicate as even asking the questions themselves can very easily become a trigger and send her into a cycle.  She has no problem talking to me once she stabilizes, but her own hatred toward the illness makes it difficult for her to acknowledge any part of it, which is understandable but frustrating when my end in mind is to gain more education to help her.

With how difficult it is to get ‘through’ her to see the illness, I always wondered what it would be like if I could actually have a conversation with the disorder itself as a separate entity.  So, in a sick way, this is how I feel that type of conversation would go…

Why don’t you explain your actions instead of hiding behind the ones you hurt?
I’ve been around much longer than you or anybody you will ever talk to so I don’t need to explain myself, but for my own amusement, which I get a lot of from people like you, I’ll talk a little.  I do what I do simply because I can, since your doctors and scientists can’t…*ahem* cure me, I’m not going anywhere anytime soon and I’d rather play with the minds of many and keep my reputation up.  It’s how I get around and I seem to like hurting as many people as possible so I attack your loved ones so they will in turn, hurt them and yourself even more.

What is your “end in mind” when you attempt to hurt people?
Simple, I get a thrill out of it.  I have an addiction to inflict as much confusion, pain, anger, sadness and ugliness to as many people as possible and when I can get into the minds of your loved one and then make them lash out at morons like you and other supporters as well, it’s my own little fix and it makes me feel much better.  When I’m in the spotlight, I feel alive and I’m not letting go of that sensation without a fight.

How do you feel if you’re not the center of attention?
Funny, that rarely happens but I’ve thought about that a little here and there.  What I hate more than anything is when the people I affect have people like you in my way.  People don’t like me and because of that, I hate everybody else and I simply demand attention and will do whatever it takes to get it from you.  It’s fun for me when I take over and make your loved one hate themselves and want to hurt themselves to extreme levels.  It’s even better when I make them lash out at you jerks because when you try to help my party host, it makes it difficult for me to enjoy myself.

What happens when we ignore you?
Again, very laughable as I don’t let people ignore me, I’m always here and luckily for me, I can’t get evicted from my penthouse.  But, I’ll be honest, it’s not fun for me when I am ignored because I crave attention and I like to play so many evil games with people.  The best time for me is when I attack somebody and the person they are supposed to rely on ignores me, that just gives me more room to myself and I can stretch out and really have a ball.  When I tell enough lies and finally convince you damn supporters that you can’t touch me or help your precious loved one, I win and I love it!

Why put them through a cycle of depression and then mania?
Confusion if one of my many weapons in my arsenal and when I put your loved one in a depressive state, I remind them that I am in control, not them.  When I want to shake things up a bit, I let them maybe feel a little better about themselves and then push it over the line by making them do some irrational things simply to please myself.  Once they feel like they can do anything and maybe have a sense of hope, I bring them back down again so to show my power and control all over again.

If I were to share this interview with others like me, how would you feel?
Well, you can’t do that…I mean, that’s not fair!  I work wonders when people like you don’t know anything about me because that means again, that I have full access to your loved ones and I can hurt them as much as I wish and I have all the power and the control.  My vision is too complex to understand by many people so the harder I make it, the more difficult it is for you supporters to stick around and again, it’s all about me, I hate you.

What’s the highlight of your accomplishments?
Oh, that’s an easy one!  To make your loved one hate themselves and feel so alone that nobody can help them and not let them trust anybody.  You see, I’m progressive in my ways, I reset my goals often and reach them with such efficiency, I get bored if I don’t increase my own efforts.  Hey, I’m a tough worker and I love my job so it’s fun for me when I look through your loved ones eyes and see the fruits of my labors knowing I’ve hurt them, you and as many others around them as I can.

You’ve provided such a negative environment for yourself as well, if you end up driving your host to end their own life, you die as well, what kind of accomplishment is that?
Ahh…that is the ultimate sacrifice for me but it is two-fold.  First, if I can drive them into such submission, I may go away as well, but the pain that I have inflicted on you and the rest of their family and friends is overwhelming and that will only make me more popular and my predecessors will move on, stronger, knowing we have so much power and strength to ruin even more lives.  On the other hand, many of those that have lost the battle, tried to take me out by taking themselves out first…again, who wins?  I do because I’ve managed to put such a powerful impression with pain among so many others.

What’s your biggest challenge?
Hmm, well…I’ve told you too much already, especially if you’re going to try and share this, but as I said before…I hate you.  You damn supporters make it very difficult for me to do what I want to do and it disturbs me and pisses me off, but what hurts me is that I can’t work well when I’m fought, it takes my focus away.  You see, I’m trying to convince your loved one that they aren’t loved or cared about and that they are useless and worthless.  When you idiots come around with your love, understanding and patience, it makes me ill.  I compete, but the power you guys have is just strong enough to affect me and undoes what I’m trying to do.

Now, keep in mind, as a supporter, this is my view of what bipolar does to one that it affects from the inside out and how it affects myself as a supporter.  I will always have questions about this curse and I’m constantly learning and sharing what I can with the community as well as absorb what I can from others that are willing to share their own insights.  From many, many discussions with my wife and others that have been touched by bipolar, the role we play is crucial in winning these battles and keeping our loves ones stable and enveloped in a loving environment.

With a passion to reach out and to help others, Rich opens up a direct view into the trials and tribulations that come with managing a bipolar relationship and how to use real-world techniques to aid in stability and support.

Rich Wallace

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