Interview with Bipolar Disorder
Bipolar, Mental Health, Relationships, Support | Rich Wallace | October 8, 2009 at 9:43 AMAs a bipolar supporter, there have been many times over the years where I have tried to communicate with my wife about her experiences in dealing with bipolar disorder from the inside. I’ve asked her such questions as, “What does this feel like?” or “What is going through your mind when…?”
This is a tough way to communicate as even asking the questions themselves can very easily become a trigger and send her into a cycle. She has no problem talking to me once she stabilizes, but her own hatred toward the illness makes it difficult for her to acknowledge any part of it, which is understandable but frustrating when my end in mind is to gain more education to help her.
With how difficult it is to get ‘through’ her to see the illness, I always wondered what it would be like if I could actually have a conversation with the disorder itself as a separate entity. So, in a sick way, this is how I feel that type of conversation would go…
Why don’t you explain your actions instead of hiding behind the ones you hurt?
I’ve been around much longer than you or anybody you will ever talk to so I don’t need to explain myself, but for my own amusement, which I get a lot of from people like you, I’ll talk a little. I do what I do simply because I can, since your doctors and scientists can’t…*ahem* cure me, I’m not going anywhere anytime soon and I’d rather play with the minds of many and keep my reputation up. It’s how I get around and I seem to like hurting as many people as possible so I attack your loved ones so they will in turn, hurt them and yourself even more.
What is your “end in mind” when you attempt to hurt people?
Simple, I get a thrill out of it. I have an addiction to inflict as much confusion, pain, anger, sadness and ugliness to as many people as possible and when I can get into the minds of your loved one and then make them lash out at morons like you and other supporters as well, it’s my own little fix and it makes me feel much better. When I’m in the spotlight, I feel alive and I’m not letting go of that sensation without a fight.
How do you feel if you’re not the center of attention?
Funny, that rarely happens but I’ve thought about that a little here and there. What I hate more than anything is when the people I affect have people like you in my way. People don’t like me and because of that, I hate everybody else and I simply demand attention and will do whatever it takes to get it from you. It’s fun for me when I take over and make your loved one hate themselves and want to hurt themselves to extreme levels. It’s even better when I make them lash out at you jerks because when you try to help my party host, it makes it difficult for me to enjoy myself.
What happens when we ignore you?
Again, very laughable as I don’t let people ignore me, I’m always here and luckily for me, I can’t get evicted from my penthouse. But, I’ll be honest, it’s not fun for me when I am ignored because I crave attention and I like to play so many evil games with people. The best time for me is when I attack somebody and the person they are supposed to rely on ignores me, that just gives me more room to myself and I can stretch out and really have a ball. When I tell enough lies and finally convince you damn supporters that you can’t touch me or help your precious loved one, I win and I love it!
Why put them through a cycle of depression and then mania?
Confusion if one of my many weapons in my arsenal and when I put your loved one in a depressive state, I remind them that I am in control, not them. When I want to shake things up a bit, I let them maybe feel a little better about themselves and then push it over the line by making them do some irrational things simply to please myself. Once they feel like they can do anything and maybe have a sense of hope, I bring them back down again so to show my power and control all over again.
If I were to share this interview with others like me, how would you feel?
Well, you can’t do that…I mean, that’s not fair! I work wonders when people like you don’t know anything about me because that means again, that I have full access to your loved ones and I can hurt them as much as I wish and I have all the power and the control. My vision is too complex to understand by many people so the harder I make it, the more difficult it is for you supporters to stick around and again, it’s all about me, I hate you.
What’s the highlight of your accomplishments?
Oh, that’s an easy one! To make your loved one hate themselves and feel so alone that nobody can help them and not let them trust anybody. You see, I’m progressive in my ways, I reset my goals often and reach them with such efficiency, I get bored if I don’t increase my own efforts. Hey, I’m a tough worker and I love my job so it’s fun for me when I look through your loved ones eyes and see the fruits of my labors knowing I’ve hurt them, you and as many others around them as I can.
You’ve provided such a negative environment for yourself as well, if you end up driving your host to end their own life, you die as well, what kind of accomplishment is that?
Ahh…that is the ultimate sacrifice for me but it is two-fold. First, if I can drive them into such submission, I may go away as well, but the pain that I have inflicted on you and the rest of their family and friends is overwhelming and that will only make me more popular and my predecessors will move on, stronger, knowing we have so much power and strength to ruin even more lives. On the other hand, many of those that have lost the battle, tried to take me out by taking themselves out first…again, who wins? I do because I’ve managed to put such a powerful impression with pain among so many others.
What’s your biggest challenge?
Hmm, well…I’ve told you too much already, especially if you’re going to try and share this, but as I said before…I hate you. You damn supporters make it very difficult for me to do what I want to do and it disturbs me and pisses me off, but what hurts me is that I can’t work well when I’m fought, it takes my focus away. You see, I’m trying to convince your loved one that they aren’t loved or cared about and that they are useless and worthless. When you idiots come around with your love, understanding and patience, it makes me ill. I compete, but the power you guys have is just strong enough to affect me and undoes what I’m trying to do.
Now, keep in mind, as a supporter, this is my view of what bipolar does to one that it affects from the inside out and how it affects myself as a supporter. I will always have questions about this curse and I’m constantly learning and sharing what I can with the community as well as absorb what I can from others that are willing to share their own insights. From many, many discussions with my wife and others that have been touched by bipolar, the role we play is crucial in winning these battles and keeping our loves ones stable and enveloped in a loving environment.
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this is so on target it was chilling. I read it twice and it raised the hair on the back of my neck… dont stop doing what your doing,, your needed
Thank you, Cindy. The kind words and support are very much appreciated!
I am 38 and was just diagnosed as bipolar a few weeks ago. As a bipolar suffer, I could identify with every word you wrote here. In my case though the disease manged to destroy my marriage, hurt my children and well my entire family suffered because of my wild mood swings, before I was diagnosed, as I always put my depression off as “situational”. Well I was like “duh” when I learned that stress is a trigger, and I have had A LOT of stress throughout the years I really did hate myself immensly after my “rages” because I would fight with everything I had to control myself and I never could. I would be extremely remorseful afterwards, but as my husband just recently said to me, “that’s the problem Tammy, you don’t think before you do, then you say your sorry afterwards and then do it again.” Trying to get people to understand the way my mind thinks without coming off as using my illness as an excuse is very frustrating.
Hi Tammy,
Thank you for visiting and sharing your story. Everything you have brought up is extremely common with bipolar disorder, especially regarding what you pointed out about stress being a major trigger. How are you doing with treatment options and self-healing now that the diagnosis has been made? Bipolar disorder affects many relationships and the best thing that you can do is find a way to communicate with them on how you are feeling and maybe what steps they can take to support you, and themselves. With the outbursts, it isn’t a matter of “thinking before you do…” so much, as that is one of the key symptoms of the disorder. Never think of your situation as an excuse, this is not something you asked for but it is something that can be managed with the correct treatment and support system. Feel free to keep in touch and please take care!
Yes, I ended up in a mental hospital for 1 wk after an attempted suicide. The police got there before I could make up my mind between taking pills or slitting my wrists. I was diagnosed and put on Pristiqe and Seraquil. They gave me some skills in order to cope and I see a pysch about every 6 wks.
I do however feel sometimes that the bipolar won as I am alone now. My husband and I are seperated, my daughter hates me and refuses to come see me and my son is in jail, my family is in Fl & VA. The good news is my son gets out @ the end of the month, the bad news is, he is one of my triggers, or his behavior I should say is a trigger and I think he may be bipolar also.
So glad to hear that you were able to get help before it was too late. I'm so sorry for the challenges you are facing, but please know that you are far from being alone. Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for bipolar to win some of the most important battles, but that doesn't mean it's guaranteed to win the war if you're willing to fight hard enough. Managing mental illness on any level is difficult, but don't let it convince you that you cannot live a happy and stable life. It's imperative that there is enough education and understanding being shared among your family and support system. You're in my thoughts and please hang in there!
I can empathize with, you, Tammy (and sympathize) as my bipolar was the straw that broke the camels back in my first marriage resulting in a divorce I did not want. That was 8 years ago when my Bipolar had not been diagnosed, but instead I was mis-diagnosed with chronic depression resulting in mis-medicating that led to a full-scale manic episode with ultradian cycling right smack in the middle of the mania, lasting 6 months to 1 year that time. Just before this onset, I suffered two major traumas in a row that last part of my marriage, which flung me into the deepest of depressions. My ex-husband did nothing except yell at me to get out of bed and quit being lazy, so my father took me to his PCP who put me on an antidepressant only (not good for BP). This shot me up so high I went into Mania within the week which felt like a new exciting happy life to me after the month(s) of despair. My ex-husband and I quickly drifted apart (he didn't know who this hyper woman was) as I began to make new friends who like to party and also delved into my creative side to the point of losing reality (music, writing, etc).
Wowzer! Reading this felt like an interview with the Devil himself; coming from someone who follows Christ that is. Amazing writing Rich. Now I know for sure where BP comes from – straight from Hell.
We seperated, but 6 months later I "partly" woke from the mania to the realization it was all a false reality (with no memory of most of the time I was lost in it including no memory of moving out of our house), but when I told my ex-husband I wanted to try again and come back, he said he was happier without me and no longer loved me. My world came to an abrupt hault that consisted of a deep black hole to live in, only coming out when I was manic thanks to drinking, drugging, and sex – all of which were my new medications. I wanted to die and I did everything I could to make that happen, but God would not allow it. I had to live through the pain and once I thought it was over, a new pain took it's place. Finally getting the right diagnosis started me on a path to wellness and recovery, but I had to walk through more fire to get there; even while knowing I wanted better – still I would do worse. Divorce and Bipolar all at the same time – two worlds colliding – about killed me. But I made it – AND SO CAN YOU TAMMY!
There were other factors, as I later understood, that led to the demise of my union and I do believe it was all in God's plan and purpose for my life. With my ex-husband, I would never have known God in my life as he did everything to discourage it including attacking my intelligence. Not to downplay the complete chaos my divorce threw me into for many years after, in which I am thankful I survived which included foreclosures, suicide attempts, drug use, and other behaviors I would rather not admit to online, but the upside is now well worth it all. I grew ten-fold. I have remarried, I am managing Bipolar effectively with alternative treatments and no pharmaceuticals, I am working parttime again, I am following God's plan for my life in starting a new ministry nonprofit for African orphans with the help and support of my husband Carl, and I travel to Kenya on short-term missions which amazing. Carl and I have educated ourselves on my disease (we call it a battle between Well-Brain Bobbi & Sick-Brain Bobbi – Carl says, "A Bobbi divided against itself can not stand!" LOL Which Bobbi is talking… I always must be aware of this.
Awareness in every moment is key yet exhausting, but just know it will get better with time and you will get better at it; it gets easier the more practice you get. We may not know when things will get better, but we can count on change in life above everything else. What goes up must come down and what is down must go up – nothing is more true in that than the Bipolar life. Do not beat yourself up when you lost one of your battles as you go through what you are going through and deal with triggers. Know your triggers well – avoid when possible, but when not, develop coping skills and learn cognitive behavoral methods that help you lessen the trigger's affect on you. Develop your personal Shield – The Tammy Armor – and always put your personal wellness and health first, protect it as if it were your child. You are no good to others if you don't take good care of yourself, especially with Bipolar.
Tammy; Stay strong, keep working, and do not lose hope in the future of goodness and wellness… it is there waiting your arrival. And you will arrive; just in time.
God Bless!
Thank you, BB! It was actually a bit chilling to go back and read this one after I had posted it. I almost took this one down but glad that I didn't when it was all said and done.