Why Do Those With Bipolar Disorder Turn on Their Loved Ones?

Relationships | Rich Wallace | October 17, 2009 at 8:11 AM

reader_questionI awoke to some new emails lately and one in particular caught my eye…

“My wife was diagnosed as bipolar earlier this year and I don’t know what to do when she seems to turn on me and wants nothing to do with me. Why does she do that?”

Well, the first observation that comes to mind is that since this is a fairly new diagnosis, the reader either hasn’t been “properly” introduced to bipolar disorder, or is hurting enough to finally look for some much need support and answers. This tends to be all too common as not only are the sufferers not offered any real education on how to combat the challenges brought into their lives, but the supporters are also left in the dark and are constantly looking to understand many “Why’s” that are popping up in the relationship.

The straight forward answer…
She’s not…the disorder is using her as a puppet.

The useful answer…
Bipolar disorder is a painful ordeal for a suffering mind and due to the stigma that is coupled with such mental illnesses as bipolar disorder, it’s not very common for a sufferer to openly ask for help until it’s too late. In many cases, the sufferer is struggling with an intense feeling of loneliness in the sense that we, as supporters will never truly understand the pain they are experiencing, unless of course the supporter also has the disorder and may indeed be able to understand.

Playing the role of a non-bipolar individual in a bipolar relationship brings its own set of challenges as we are the first to catch the shrapnel of the battle. Again, this is more than likely due to our loved one being in so much pain themselves, they want us to feel some pain as well…this is how the disorder works.

From the perspective of the supporter, it can be viewed as a form of abuse, perhaps a sign of us not being loved anymore or that our loved one has simply had it with us and would rather not have us in their lives any longer. I can’t offer the same advice to every situation, but it’s a pretty safe bet that your loved one is not truly trying to hurt you, nor do they want you to walk away on them. Bipolar disorder creates a very thick wall between us and our loved ones, but know that somewhere on the other side, your loved one is still there, waiting for stability to kick in. Your end of the deal is to still be there waiting with open arms when the wall finally crumbles.

With a passion to reach out and to help others, Rich opens up a direct view into the trials and tribulations that come with managing a bipolar relationship and how to use real-world techniques to aid in stability and support.
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  • Brian
    I am new to the bp disorder my wife and I have been together for 14 years and married for 2. I have just learned of my wife having this disorder and I guess I have come to terms with it. The story's on here are all similar to what I think and feel. I will not ever bail out on my wife but I can say this for a fact that I will try to learn as much as I can. I just wish I knew how to ease her pain without feeling so alone myself.
  • Hi Brian, welcome to the community and thank you for commenting!
  • Brian
    Has anybody had difficulty with finding a provider I live in Maryland and have value option for mental health, My wife is just starting with dabbling with alcohol she just started drinking a little more. I called regular mental health offices they say they can't help because she has a problem and its only been a few weeks of this, I call other metal health offices they say she dose not have one yet that they handle detox. No office wants to work with me and I want to nip it in the bud before it gets to out of control. What should I do its like they just want to give me the run around and even with just trying to find places that have after hours so my wife can still perform her job I know that I can't work magic, But I would like to get her started before all hell breaks loose or like some people say before she hits bottom. Oh and Rich thanks for the post with the bp interview. I could only see it as a demon that can't be pushed out. I will be in this for the long haul and you may even see some post on here from me that make no sense but just to vent a little. I will be looking for a support group in the area.
  • Mike
    thanks rich.
    your info was really helpfull. will definetly be returning to your site often and will keep you posted. keep up the great work your doing.
    Mike
  • Thank you, Mike!
  • michael
    I have been reading these posts and i would like to thank every one who posted. its great to know that im not alone,My finace was diagnosed a while ago with bp and it has been so hard to deal with her "going off on me" the worst part is never knowing whats going to make it happen again. we have a 2 year old daughter and i do all i can to shield her from it but i know at some point she is going to start asking questions. does anyone have any advice as to what i should tell her. and also i have one more question. when me finace goes off i usually just give in and do what she wants rather then deal with the immense fight that will be comeing. Am i doing the right thing or should i stand my ground and let her say what she wants.Im so confused right now.
  • Thank you for posting, Michael.

    Your concerns are both valid and common within a Bipolar Relationship. It can indeed by difficult to be on the receiving end of an episode driven outburst, or otherwise, but as a supporter, please try to keep in mind that your loved one is going through a lot, and although you're being hit with the shrapnel, in most cases, this is a way for our loved ones to deal with the internal noise and pain that they are dealing with.

    Try to learn about your fiance's triggers and what situations may indeed fire them. Although you may not be able to avoid them, you can at least learn the patterns and prepare yourself better.

    For my children, I am completely open and honest with them. My wife supports this and even works with them to help them understand as well and it can really help bind the family together even more when we discuss these things.

    Giving in may be a defense mechanism, for yourself...I've been there myself and to this day, there are times where I still just give in as to move forward if I feel that the fight is not worth picking. However, this may be essentially enabling your fiance to manipulate you if you really don't agree with something and you may also be weakening your own mental foundation as well. Set boundaries and keep them in place even if it feels difficult in the beginning.

    Take care and thanks again for commenting. -Rich
  • Linda
    Hi Rich, Are people with bipolar aware that they are hurting themselves and people who love them? While in mania is it their sickness that causes them to lie,steal,leave home and not like you and want to some how see you hurt or be punished? There is alot of evil. Do they not feel. Are they aware of anything?
  • Hi Linda, your question does not have a straightforward answer...please read over this post, The Power of Bipolar Irrationality as it does cover a bit on how some of the irrational effects of the disorder touch the lives of many.
  • Although it may appear that our loved ones are not aware of what's going on, in many cases, it's the opposite. They are indeed aware of the pain that is being pushed out, but the irrational side of the episode clouds the judgment and sympathy of our loved ones and leads us to believe the actions are of ill intent.
  • linda
    Hi Rich, Ive set boundaries. The last almost cost her life. Im afraid if I reject her,she will kill or harm herself. Im dammed if I do,dammed if I dont. I love this person but I cant live this life of bipolar any more. I lived 15 yrs of my life always taken care of her. The toll that she has put on me has become too much for me to bare. There is nothing left. I am an empty shell when it comes to her. She is on one of her mania ventures as I write. When thats over with she"ll be looking for stable ground, I dont want her home and I can tell her that till Im blue in the face and she doesnt listen. How do I get her to let go,will she ever let go.
  • Linda, there has to be a time where you realize that you need to focus on yourself. Your partner's choices, decisions and overall issues are not, have not been, and will never be your fault. Many times, suicide threats or talks are actually cries for help or attention, and if there are other mental issues such as Borderline Personality Disorder, they unfortunately can be common 'symptoms', but the intent to actually end life is not true. Again, the boundaries you need to set are up to you, and whatever decisions you make, are ones that you need to stick with. If it comes down to it, maybe consider going as far as considering an order of protection or something along those lines.
  • linda
    Hi Rich, I was hoping for some feed back on my comment (Thanks for the reply )I must have chosen None instead of reply.
  • Linda, I'll do my best to get back to you...meanwhile, feel free to email me as well using the "Contact" link on the top of this page.
  • linda
    Ive been with my partner for 15yrs. We found out recently she has bipolar.She seemed stable for 7 months.For the last 3 weeks she has been totally depressed,I knew the mania was gonna kick in but had no control over it.My question is why is it everytime she goes into a state of mania she leaves the house,gone for weeks on end.Surrounds herself with undiserable people.One of whom is her cousin,also has bipolar,drug addictions.Her cousin will go to every means to keep my partner out there.Even threatening me with police. I dont get this,and when my partner crashes and wants to come home,then its Im sorry,I dont know why,I didnt know my cousin said that,I was sitting right there,I love you,I kill myself without you,one more chance, etc. Im at the end here,any input would greatly help.
  • Hi Linda...the first area of concern from me would be if your partner is still actively under the care of a psychiatrist and/of therapist. Although not always the correct answer, medication can indeed help if the correct mood stabilizers and such are employed in treatment. When mania hits, keep in mind that this end of the spectrum can include the ability to lose touch with reality of consequences of the decisions that are made. Manic episodes are dangerous in that the desires that come along with the cycle can truly drive our loved ones into severely abnormal behavior. With the cousin being involved, unfortunately, this can introduce a 'double whammy' of sorts as if they both drive themselves into mania, then they can indeed feed off of each other. Where you may need to step in is in how you are potentially enabling your loved one by always being there when she crashes and she always expects you to be there no matter what. Set your own boundaries and although it may be painful for the both of you, set them in stone and let her know that her actions affect more people than just her alone. Hang in there and I do wish you all the best!
  • Rene'e
    Hi all,

    I share similar experiences as you all. My bipolar partner of 11 years has just walked out again! This time I think it is for good. My partner was NEVER abusive to me. He did play emotional games, not help around the house, pay bills etc. I do feel lost, I have don't EVERYTHING for this man and always taken his feelings into consideration. Why am I the bad person? Why would his doctor assist with him to end his relationship, but not worry about the gambling, not going to work etc. I feel completely ripped off. He has slowly reduced his anti depressants without the dr's advice. Would this contribute to his latest behavior?
  • Hi Rene'e, thanks for sharing. Please know that you are not the "bad person", the issues you have raised are indeed common within a bipolar relationship. That is not to say that you should just sweep it under the rug at all, but that you are not alone and when times do get tough, this is something that can be worked on in making the relationship stronger. The issues you bring up with the doctor are concerning...is your partner seeing an actual psychiatrist or a general practitioner? As far as the meds go, that is another red flag and I would monitor his actions very closely and maybe bring it up if you have access to his doctor. Hang in there!
  • Hi SadNess,



    Thank you for visiting the site and I'm so glad that the article offered some positivity and assurance. There are several other articles on the site that you may find useful, including one I had written fairly recently on Recognizing and Resolving Anger @ <a href="http://thebipolarspouse.com/2009/09/26/recognizin..." target="_blank">http://thebipolarspouse.com/2009/09/26/recognizin... Feel free to post questions here or contact me if you'd like from the 'Contact' link on the top of this page.



    I wish you all the best and thanks again for the support!
  • Joan
    Thank you for your comment Paul. I really am trying and every new day is a new beginning. I am praying for a job that my husband is going for an interview tomorrow. Even though it is a BIG step down from where he was in his career a few years ago, I believe it will greatly help his self worth and this seems to be an overwhelming component of this disease.
  • As a sufferer of BP, it's often hard to imagine why anyone would stick around whilst all this crazy crazy is happening. I my relationship it took a good 3 years before I got to the point of realising my wife was in in for the long haul. Insecurity is a killer when your own self esteem is at an already low ebb.
    I don't condone any form of abuse towards anyone and having BP is no excuse to be an ass, but sometimes our minds don't always cooperate.
  • Thank you for sharing, Paul.
  • Joan
    Thank you for your candor. It helps so much to hear from someone who understands. And I do think there may be some difference in which partner has the disease. I am still a woman and want to feel protected and he feels so much guilt sometimes that he has let me down. At those times, I see the man I fell in love with, but the other man is coming around more frequently and only I can decide when I cannot take the responsibility anymore. I'm just not one to give up but on the other hand I have a mother, two daughters, and a soon-to-be grandson to think of too. I am their primary support person also.
  • Hi Joan, I do agree that there may be some differences between which partner is directly affected with the disorder. I work very hard to keep those informed and duplicate the variable of individuality as often as possible and that does include roles that are assumed by each in the relationship. I do appreciate your time in sharing and wish you all the best in your difficult situation as well.
  • Joan
    I do think my husband's actions are often verbal and mental abuse. THere is only so much I can take, and when I get to that point and tell him I'm through, he magically snaps out of it. It's almost like he wants me to force him out of his anger by giving him an ultimatum. Does anyone have any tried and proven ways to handle the anger better?
  • Joan, that is exactly what it feels like...I've been there several times as my wife's first line of defense. Again, you need to strengthen your mind to *know* that you are not being attacked yourself. When he snaps out of it when you threaten an ultimatum, that is a clear signal that you are not at fault, this is part of the disorder.

    Remember, his lashing out is more of a cry for help; he is in pain and does not want to feel that pain alone. At the time, in order for him to not feel so alone, he wants somebody else (you) to feel some pain as well.
  • Joan
    After the last "BIG" episode, I told him to get REAL help with a psychologist and not just our general practitioner, or it was over. I cannot take anymore. He promised. It has been a month and he has made a lot of phone calls but no appointments. This morning when he lashed out at me and told me I never take care of things because I had not take a $13.00 check to the high school and asked him to do it while he was out, I did not feel like being attached anymore. He also said he cant even count on me to buy groceries, but then he will say he likes buying groceries. As I have said, I am the only one making money right now and even though I know this comes from his lace of self worth because he is not contributing to the family finances, I should not have to take the verbal abuse. When I stand up to him, he will change within 24 hours. BUt this cycle has gotten the best of me. I want to put a deadline to him for getting to a psychologist. Is this a good idea?
  • Ultimatums and deadlines, in my experience anyway, are not a productive approach. The relationship sounds to be seeing more strain and although I can appreciate your feelings of being verbally abused, I can also respect that you are feeling unattached. Again, the fact that he changes with 24 hours of standing up to him means that he is still fighting the disorder himself and not letting it take over all aspects of his person. When my wife saw her current psychiatrist, I had to be the one to call and make the appointment because sometimes there is such a high level of embarrassment or anger from her having the illness, she chooses to just ignore it and won't take the steps to gain help by herself. Be strong and firm, but don't force control or threaten as it will make things worse, maybe help him in these steps to gain the help he needs as he may need that push from you.
  • At the same time, truly look deep within yourself and ask the tough questions...are you really ready to tackle these challenges for the rest of your time with him? This disorder is not curable, but can be managed under the right treatment. However, as his primary supporter, YOU have to remain strong, if this is too much of a challenge, then I'm afraid there may need to be some painful changes made to the future of the relationship.
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