Reader Question: Looking Through Patient Eyes

I had recently received some emails from readers asking what it’s like to be on the other side of bipolar disorder, as a supporter and how I seem to make it “look easy” as far as how my wife and I manage some of our challenges. An earlier post concerning abandonment anxiety seemed to spark an interest in several people as I have received a number of emails and hits on Twitter about the similar challenges they are experiencing.

Unfortunately, as it’s very well known, there are some people that are either unable, or unwilling to reach out due to a number of reasons. After some power discussions with those that did reach out, I asked if they would mind if I shared some of the information on the site in case there are others looking for some similar insight. That being said, most did agree and so hopefully this post will find its way to others that may really be able to use the information.

To lightly touch on the main topic for those that did not read the related article, many people, touched by bipolar disorder or not, may possess some kind of abandonment anxiety. This includes a great sense of uncertainty as to whether someone that is close to them will simply leave them for whatever reason. Again, this is a very pressing issue that my wife and I battle quite a bit, but we are winning that battle day by day.

Let’s cover the questions that have been raised:

Given the difficulties that bipolar disorder can bring to a marriage (or any relationship), why do you stay in such a situation?

In its purest form€¦true love. Regardless of what ugliness the disorder brings to the marriage/relationship, the love is there, from both sides. I am able to see through the episodes and the mood shifts when they occur and remember who she really is and that is the person I am in love with. Not to say that I reject any part of her, after all, the disorder will always be with us, yet when she does hit a point of instability and irrationality, I know who€™s going to be standing there waiting for me when the dust clears and I€™m not willing to leave or give up on that love.

How are you able to remain patient with not only the bad episodes, but with the fact that the cycle is ongoing?

I€™ve always been a patient individual, I remember a commercial from my time as a child that had a tag line of €œGood Things Come to Those Who Wait.€ And I truly believe that. I also know that this disorder masks who my wife really is and if I were to give up based on what that mask looks like, I€™d be doing myself a great disservice to leave such a beautiful person, and I€™d be giving up on her based on a lie that the disorder has shown us. We have been able to identify many of her triggers over the years and I have been able to tune myself into her cycles enough to where I can “see” the beginning of a new cycle before she even know it’s happening. By working together in such a fashion, we are able to have enough time to pro-actively prepare the swing and ease the pain brought on by these cycles.

What is it that you do to help your own wife get through the anxiety of abandonment?

Communication is truly the key to making relationships “work”. Some of her anxieties come from a long line of negative past experiences and beliefs that have been placed upon her from others that have hurt her. Others come from a feeling of shame over some of the pain the disorder has caused me, personally. Based on her past and fear of my doing something in a form of retaliation of my own pain is a driving force in her anxiety over the possibility of me abandoning her. Before, during and after she experiences a panic attack, I place all focus on her to make sure she knows that I’m right there with her. If she’s panicking over me leaving her, the worst thing I could do to her is get up and leave her alone to stew in those negative thoughts. I physically let her know that I am right there beside her until she calms down, and then I truly listen to her when she is able to talk. Once she’s let everything out, and if she asks for me to do so, I give her my feedback and flood her with affirmations that I’m not leaving and have no desire to do so.

Why subject yourself to this kind of torture?

Unfortunately, I have seen this question asked in the mental health arena and have received this particular question many times from people on both sides of the fence. My simple answer to this is, because I choose to do so based on the love I have for my wife. The disorder is a part of my wife, and with true love, you choose to accept everything about that person, even the faults such as bipolar disorder. After all, nobody asks for this disorder, but since the illness is a part of her, it is now a part of me. I love myself enough to handle it and I love her more than enough to accept everything about her and do whatever it takes to fight this illness with her.

Supporting and being there for my wife through these challenges have now become easy for me as I have taken the time and patience to become an expert on her. True, I will never know everything about her past and the little secrets that we all keep to add that touch of mystery, but she has been able to share what she is comfortable with to me so I can learn about her enough to where I now know her own cycle better than she does and can catch her before she slips away.

With a passion to reach out and to help others, Rich opens up a direct view into the trials and tribulations that come with managing a bipolar relationship and how to use real-world techniques to aid in stability and support.

Rich Wallace

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