The Things We Don’t Talk About

Bipolar disorder is not an elegant topic in any sense of the definition of the disorder. Some would say the symptoms themselves sometimes offer a positive feeling to a sufferer when the euphoric highs come into play, others on the supporting side would say that there are some upsides for them as well when the cycle is in the right area of the spectrum. Finding such positive attributes tied to the disorder is difficult, but they can be seen, if only for a second or two.

Many people, including both the educated and uneducated alike, have some type of understanding that bipolar disorder has a very dark side. The educated and well experienced have seen and live with this dark side on a daily basis and know first hand about the kind of pain that radiates from within the sufferer and out to those around them. The uneducated or inexperienced think they have an idea but have never really been in the trenches themselves or they simply ignore what they are not willing to understand.

If you’re new to the realm of bipolar disorder from a supporter’s perspective, I must warn you now that many of the potential challenges that may be presented are not easy to understand, accept or forgive if you yourself are not willing to dig in and really see why some of these challenges exist. I’ve received several emails from those asking the questions and I’m catching a lot of searches on particular topics that are generally avoided and ignored, but the truth of the matter is, these topics are a part of the disorder and must be talked about just as much as the not so negative topics.

Hypersexuality
This topic is rarely brought up in the public eye as the true meaning of this symptom is somewhat hidden. The typical description of hypersexuality related to bipolar disorder states:

Increased sex drive; desire to seduce and to be seduced

Why Don’t We Talk About This?
What we don’t care to imagine or respect, is that in the right timing of the bipolar spectrum, environment and opportunity, some big mistakes can be made due to the inability to think rationally when this symptom appears. “Cheating” and “infidelity” are thrown around and again, I’ve gathered many questions that revolve around this topic alone, but they are very real concerns to have in the bipolar arena. Many relationships and marriages have been torn apart over this symptom alone and many are simply not willing to deal with the issues and walk away. Understandably, some religions see this as a sin and there is no room for forgiveness or, jealousy will overcome all other emotions and the final decision to leave the relationship is made.

Why Can This Happen?
The disorder, when in a hypomanic or manic phase, does provide an increased sex drive but given a deeper understanding of what hypomania or mania can do to a bipolar mind, the irrationality and loss of reality can kick in and if there is a great desire for sexual gratification, even a marriage can sometimes be forgotten about and the sufferer may make some very poor choices and seek for that gratification elsewhere.

Why Should I Accept This?
Many people that do not understand bipolar disorder, or have other beliefs perhaps, cannot and will not accept this possibility, and if it does end up becoming a reality in the relationship, they will walk away and not look back. To each, their own…but as an advocate and supporter of a bipolar loved one, this reality is something that needs to be respected. It is not a matter of our loved ones no longer loving us, or wanting to ‘find someone else’, it is part of the disorder and not a character flaw of the individual.

Am I Allowed to Let This Hurt Me?
Of course, we’re still human and we have our own emotions and this can be a very painful experience. Decisions that never had to be considered are now having to be considered, trust that has never been broken may have now been broken. The questions that need to be answered are:

What did I do wrong in order for this to happen?
More than likely, nothing! This is a very real part of bipolar disorder, but at the same time, there must be some investigation as to whether or not the event occurred as a result of a bipolar cycle. If no, then there are other issues to confront. If yes, then it’s probably safe to say that the event was truly emotionless and again, the individual was in a very irrational state of mind and self-control was not an option.

Does my spouse still love me?
Again, if the event was truly induced by bipolar disorder, then you probably don’t need to worry about your spouse no longer loving you. The urge to seduce and to be seduced is a desire that does not include actual emotions, more like a drug induced fix that needs to be satisfied. The actual feelings generally stay in the marriage and do not sway regardless of the physical event.

Has it happened before?
Unlike the old adage, “Once a cheater, always a cheater…”, if this has happened before, keep in mind that bipolar disorder based cycles and episodes themselves are not a one time occurrence. The possibility of such behavior being present in the past is very high, but you should know your loved one enough to know what type of history they have had. Have they been promiscuous in the past? Was it a self-esteem issue? Have things changed since then? Consider the disorder and understand it before passing judgment.

Can it happen again?
Yes, it very well can happen again, because as mentioned, this is a result of a symptom that has occurred within a bipolar cycle. These cycles are known to happen several times a year, even more so in a rapid cycler.

As with all areas of the spectrum, some key events can be hurtful, embarrassing and extremely difficult to comprehend. We sometimes want to believe that we have seen all the pain that bipolar disorder has to offer, or believe that, “My loved one would never do such things!!”. In a sense, this is correct…our loved ones may indeed never do such actions, but remember, bipolar disorder is a disease in the mind and it can control certain areas of that mind that will cloud judgment and make it possible for those actions to be performed. The successful supporter, however, can see through these actions and remember that it is not our loved one making these decisions. They are simply the puppet in these situations that are being manipulated by a hurtful disease.

With a passion to reach out and to help others, Rich opens up a direct view into the trials and tribulations that come with managing a bipolar relationship and how to use real-world techniques to aid in stability and support.

Rich Wallace

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