The Things We Don’t Talk About
Bipolar, Relationships, Support | Rich Wallace | October 29, 2009 at 6:11 AM
Bipolar disorder is not an elegant topic in any sense of the definition of the disorder. Some would say the symptoms themselves sometimes offer a positive feeling to a sufferer when the euphoric highs come into play, others on the supporting side would say that there are some upsides for them as well when the cycle is in the right area of the spectrum. Finding such positive attributes tied to the disorder is difficult, but they can be seen, if only for a second or two.
Many people, including both the educated and uneducated alike, have some type of understanding that bipolar disorder has a very dark side. The educated and well experienced have seen and live with this dark side on a daily basis and know first hand about the kind of pain that radiates from within the sufferer and out to those around them. The uneducated or inexperienced think they have an idea but have never really been in the trenches themselves or they simply ignore what they are not willing to understand.
If you’re new to the realm of bipolar disorder from a supporter’s perspective, I must warn you now that many of the potential challenges that may be presented are not easy to understand, accept or forgive if you yourself are not willing to dig in and really see why some of these challenges exist. I’ve received several emails from those asking the questions and I’m catching a lot of searches on particular topics that are generally avoided and ignored, but the truth of the matter is, these topics are a part of the disorder and must be talked about just as much as the not so negative topics.
Hypersexuality
This topic is rarely brought up in the public eye as the true meaning of this symptom is somewhat hidden. The typical description of hypersexuality related to bipolar disorder states:
Increased sex drive; desire to seduce and to be seduced
Why Don’t We Talk About This?
What we don’t care to imagine or respect, is that in the right timing of the bipolar spectrum, environment and opportunity, some big mistakes can be made due to the inability to think rationally when this symptom appears. “Cheating” and “infidelity” are thrown around and again, I’ve gathered many questions that revolve around this topic alone, but they are very real concerns to have in the bipolar arena. Many relationships and marriages have been torn apart over this symptom alone and many are simply not willing to deal with the issues and walk away. Understandably, some religions see this as a sin and there is no room for forgiveness or, jealousy will overcome all other emotions and the final decision to leave the relationship is made.
Why Can This Happen?
The disorder, when in a hypomanic or manic phase, does provide an increased sex drive but given a deeper understanding of what hypomania or mania can do to a bipolar mind, the irrationality and loss of reality can kick in and if there is a great desire for sexual gratification, even a marriage can sometimes be forgotten about and the sufferer may make some very poor choices and seek for that gratification elsewhere.
Why Should I Accept This?
Many people that do not understand bipolar disorder, or have other beliefs perhaps, cannot and will not accept this possibility, and if it does end up becoming a reality in the relationship, they will walk away and not look back. To each, their own…but as an advocate and supporter of a bipolar loved one, this reality is something that needs to be respected. It is not a matter of our loved ones no longer loving us, or wanting to ‘find someone else’, it is part of the disorder and not a character flaw of the individual.
Am I Allowed to Let This Hurt Me?
Of course, we’re still human and we have our own emotions and this can be a very painful experience. Decisions that never had to be considered are now having to be considered, trust that has never been broken may have now been broken. The questions that need to be answered are:
What did I do wrong in order for this to happen?
More than likely, nothing! This is a very real part of bipolar disorder, but at the same time, there must be some investigation as to whether or not the event occurred as a result of a bipolar cycle. If no, then there are other issues to confront. If yes, then it’s probably safe to say that the event was truly emotionless and again, the individual was in a very irrational state of mind and self-control was not an option.Does my spouse still love me?
Again, if the event was truly induced by bipolar disorder, then you probably don’t need to worry about your spouse no longer loving you. The urge to seduce and to be seduced is a desire that does not include actual emotions, more like a drug induced fix that needs to be satisfied. The actual feelings generally stay in the marriage and do not sway regardless of the physical event.Has it happened before?
Unlike the old adage, “Once a cheater, always a cheater…”, if this has happened before, keep in mind that bipolar disorder based cycles and episodes themselves are not a one time occurrence. The possibility of such behavior being present in the past is very high, but you should know your loved one enough to know what type of history they have had. Have they been promiscuous in the past? Was it a self-esteem issue? Have things changed since then? Consider the disorder and understand it before passing judgment.Can it happen again?
Yes, it very well can happen again, because as mentioned, this is a result of a symptom that has occurred within a bipolar cycle. These cycles are known to happen several times a year, even more so in a rapid cycler.
As with all areas of the spectrum, some key events can be hurtful, embarrassing and extremely difficult to comprehend. We sometimes want to believe that we have seen all the pain that bipolar disorder has to offer, or believe that, “My loved one would never do such things!!”. In a sense, this is correct…our loved ones may indeed never do such actions, but remember, bipolar disorder is a disease in the mind and it can control certain areas of that mind that will cloud judgment and make it possible for those actions to be performed. The successful supporter, however, can see through these actions and remember that it is not our loved one making these decisions. They are simply the puppet in these situations that are being manipulated by a hurtful disease.
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This is one symptom I have read about and it makes me uncomfortable. My husband does get hypersexual in his manic episodes and I've quite enjoyed that aspect before he was diagnosed! I don't know what I would do if I wasn't on the receiving end of it though. I try not to worry about things like that because nothing like that has happened and there is nothing about my husband that indicates he would do something like that. But I know it is important that people educate themselves about the possible ways the disorder might manifest itself. I like to think I could be understanding and forgiving. But it's just terrifying to think of it.
Hi Aimee, it is a very uncomfortable topic, which is why it's rarely publicized. Why I choose to put these topics out there, is to let those know that there may be dark sides and experiences that may not be well known with the disorder. Your comment of, "nothing about my husband that indicates he would do something like that"; is exactly why this particular topic is so alarming. It can and does happen although there's no reason to see why. Hopefully it does not occur, but it's something to put in the back of the minds of supporters and other loved ones.
OY! You have hit on a very sensitive subject for me! Unfortunately, I do get hypersexual. I have often wondered though if one can be hypersexual while also in a depressive episode because that seems to be the case with me sometimes, either that or I am (ultrian?)rapid cycling and have yet to be able to recognize it completely. I was always so ashamed when I got hypersexual and began searching outside my marriage. I sought out “pleasure” via chat rooms, porn sites and such. I never physically cheated on my husband because of the fear from losing him (and well I lost him anyways = ( but right before we seperated (I 100% believe I was in a full blown episode) I had ttry to arrange a meeting with 2 different men. I backed out of it though because of fear and because I loved my husband. My religous background also weighed heavily on my mind. GOD! How I wish I would have taken the time to get diagnoised when I first suspected I was bipolar! I often want to tell my husbansd about all of this but I am so afraid that IF there was a chance of us getting back together he would NEVER understand or forgive me.
From what I've seen, especially with ultradian cycling, there is a very high risk of hypersexuality during a manic/hypomanic or mixed state. There can be the most popular circumstance where the sufferer is experiencing a manic/hypomanic state and that euphoric factor can push away any sense of consequences and can result in the events taking place. If in a mixed state, the depressive side can push the sufferer into a phase of self-loathing and lost all self-respect and just 'stop caring'. If in the wrong situation, the mixed state with hypomania/mania kicks in and launches them into making such a decision that would normally not be made. This area of bipolar is very difficult for everybody involved, if the non-bipolar individual is not aware of these possibilities and cannot be understanding, it's usually a deal-breaker.
I push communication as hard as I can when it comes to managing bipolar relationships, yes…even the hard topics because they need to be known about. If a supporter is willing to learn and understand, it only helps the relationship, if they are not, as you can see, the potential challenges are not shared and if/when they do show up unintentionally, all hell can break loose. I'm not sure where you stand with your ex now, but if he's still in your life, then there is definitely an opportunity to discuss these things. If they are not willing to understand, it's a loss, but they were probably not good for the needed support system you need anyway.
Thank you Rich for touching on this difficult topic. It is so hard to share… so hard to understand. But the more we bring these things to light, the more we discover we are not going through these cycles and symptoms alone. Finding support is crucial, and also the information and wisdom we can gain from one another is invaluable.
Thanks for the kind words, Wes. I struggle with sharing some of the harder issues, but if I don't, I cannot truly expect to help others if I pull punches.
This post kills me. Today I am moving out of my home because of this. I am bipolar. I had started taking an antidepressant that kept throwing me into a manic state…my hypersexuality got worse and worse. Everything you are describing…the need to seduce and be seduced…hits home. I cheated on my husband with 6 men between February and the beginning of October. I look at that and I think there is no way I could have done that…how did that happen? And why? I love my husband. I don't want this divorce. But he does not believe this is due to illness. He thinks I am just a liar and a cheater and that I will always be a cheater. My heart is broken. I feel like he gave up on me. When I say that he replies "You gave up on me when you cheated." I understand why he is hurt and why he wants this divorce. I just wish he could step inside my mind for a few weeks and feel how this feels, especially when I am hypersexual. He doesn't seem to believe that exists…or he feels like it's just my excuse. Interestingly enough, I stopped that antidepressant and have not had a manic episode since. It could just be my situation but I don't want men to even come near me right now.
I feel like I'm going to die alone now.
Wow! This post along with many others has helped me with my own BP. I never could figure out why I was so hypersexual at times and not so much other times. I got caught by my wife a few times with ads out on yahoo personals, adult friend finder and a few other sites like those. She asked me why I was doing it and all I could say is "I don't know" I honestly didn't know why I was doing it but I would do it and not understand why. I knew better but yet would do it. I never wanted to hurt my wife and loved her dearly and I would never cheat on her and I swore to her that I would never cheat on her. I never did cheat on her! I did go through the seducing/being seduced through chat rooms too. Yes that is cheating emotionally but it wasn't like I meant anything I said in those chat rooms. My wife never could understand this and if I would have know then all the things I know now about bi polar and everything that goes with it my life would be completely different. My wife left me 2 years ago today. Thank you Rich for all the great information that you post. Not only do you help the supporters of BP but you help the sufferers too!!!
Experience tends to make me want to couple this particular topic with a potential state of disassociation. When the only answer to the question of "Why", is "I don't know….", there is a link between the hypomanic/manic side of the spectrum where one can lose touch with reality, and disassociation, which from what I have seen is similar to that of an out-of-body experience. It's common that those touched by this topic never really "mean" to cause harm and when I realized that myself, it did make it easier to deal with and understand, but it also helped me to understand the disorder more and how it affects my wife and our overall relationship. I am truly sorry that you have had to endure the loss of your relationship, Dennis. Please hang in there and there is always going to be that silver lining, somewhere.
The way you describe the hypomanic/manic side as almost being like an out of body experience I can totally relate to that. Thank you for all your help and your reply. Your site not only helps bipolar supporters but it helps those suffering with bipolar too!! Keep up the great work!
Thanks again, Dennis. I appreciate the support you offer.
Thank you for this awesome blog, it has helped me to come to grasps with something that happened a while back that I was completly disgusted by that I could be capable of doing. I, on a normal day, do not condole cheating in any form and feel that I would never do that. Yet, I found myself at a party with some of my old friends, while my boyfriend was abroad. I was feeling very weird, missing him intensly but also feeling hypersexual at the same time and ended up flirting with this guy that we used to have a … well, you might say a more than friends- relationship with back when I was single. I got drunk and had sex with him and I could never really understand how I could let myself get into the situation. I mean, if one of my friends came to me telling me they've cheated and said "but hey, I was drunk" I would just tell them that is not an excuse; you can truly never get yourself in that kind of a state with alcohol that you can't control yourself. But the situation was horrible, I kept thinking about my boyfriend and even imagining that he was there instead of my friend, and the most horrible part is at times I truly believed it was my boyfriend.
I have told my boyfriend about this and he thankfully forgave me. But I have felt so horrible ever since that I am afraid to go to parties that I know I might have the opportunity to do this at again. I don't think that I've been able to explain this to him in a way that he would understand it, because I just can't get over the fact that my actions simply disgusted me and I get overwhelmed with how horrible a person I could be to be able to do that. I did figure it had something to do with bipo and alcohol but I never even thought of this; I mean, even when I am sober I seek flirting partners while in manic/hypo stages.
Thank you, so much for this article. I feel I can finally talk to my psychiatrist about this and actually find the words. I've been too ashamed to even do that, because I don't want to be that person that I found myself being that night…