Supporter’s Vow: I Won’t Let You Fall Apart

Bipolar, Relationships, Support | Rich Wallace | October 30, 2009 at 10:48 AM

vowWhen my wife and I married, we offered the typical vows to one another with full respect for each other and for the vows themselves. We understood that there weren’t just filler words that were included in the ceremony simply to let our voices be heard. We took them seriously on that day, and continue to take them just as seriously today.

When taking those vows, one takes them all in and keeps them all in the forefront while working to manage the marriage and ensure its success. Not one vow is more important than the other, however, when we were introduced to bipolar disorder, some of the vows that we took included a bit of a change in definition.

When we stated, “…in sickness and in health…”, we did not really consider such challenges as bipolar disorder or Generalized Anxiety Disorder at first. Only because we had no idea these were soon going to be a part of our everyday lives together.

Unfortunately, I’ve read the stories, blog posts, books and spoken to those affected by relationships destroyed over such mental health challenges. It pains me to see people that were once either extremely close to one another, or in love with each other be ripped apart due to the issues that bipolar disorder can bring to the table.

I understand that this lifestyle is not for everybody, as I’ll openly explain to anybody that asks me about my marriage life in dealing with my wife’s illness, this is quite possibly the most difficult challenge that has ever been presented to me. Even parenthood can sometimes seem easier to deal with than the pain that bipolar disorder brings to me.

What keeps me going everyday is simply due to the fact that I really know my wife. I have seen every aspect of her bipolar spectrum and can now see her in any light needed in order to support her in the best way that I possibly can. Even when she is truly in a period of self-loathing and hiding under the many layers of sadness and depression, I know the real person I am in love with is in there somewhere. When her hypomania kicks in, I know her typical behavioral patterns and can immediately see when she is about to slip off the edge.

The hardest part is the mixed state of her disorder, where she is cycling between not only the depressive and hypomanic areas, but her anxiety comes into play as well. There have been many nights where her thoughts will simply take over with nothing but “worst-case” scenarios painted with her own jaded reality. These particular times are hard as she will sometimes act out on her anxieties causing accusations and other truly ugly attacks against me that would normally send me out the door never looking back.

Regardless of what path her bipolar disorder will take her on, essentially, I’m holding my own compass constantly checking her location. My vows to her are sacred and stand just as strong today as they did the day I spoke them aloud. Every vow has been tested and we’ve managed to keep it together this far, so I know for a fact that this disorder can be beaten if fought hard enough with the right team.

Successfully providing support in a bipolar relationship goes both ways; both sufferer and supporter need to support the other. Communication is extremely from both parties, otherwise, the unexpected can show up at the worst times. By constantly talking to each other and observing her over the years, eerily, I can now tell where she is in her cycle and where she’s going before she herself knows. Simply acknowledging her body language goes a very long way in providing her with the comfort she needs as to know that she’s not alone…or, can be if she needs me to walk away for a bit.

With the many relationships that include the strains of such mental health challenges, I’m curious to know either what works for others or what has been the failing point? How can your loved one offer more support, or what can your loved one to do better support you?

With a passion to reach out and to help others, Rich opens up a direct view into the trials and tribulations that come with managing a bipolar relationship and how to use real-world techniques to aid in stability and support.
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  • Hello NLF, thanks for visiting the site and for taking time to comment.

    Hypersexuality in the bipolar world is more of a common challenge than we'd like to consider, especially when it affects us directly. In the eyes of the affected, it may indeed "not have happened" due to the disorder putting our loved ones into a state of disassociation if the conditions are right, so it can be hard to believe what is being said at times since even our loved one can tune it out as though it didn't happen at all.

    How frequent the behavior is depends on one's diagnosis and overall individuality so I am unable to offer a prediction on how and when issues may arise again, if they do. Unfortunately, even the right combination of treatment including psychiatric/psychological or medicinal may not make all of the challenges disappear.

    The correct treatment plan can make it easier for our loved ones to recover and manage, but bipolar disorder is very unpredictable and can bring on episodes at anytime in some cases.

    Good luck and thanks again for commenting.
    -Rich
  • NLF
    My husband was diagnosed a few months ago with bipolar and is currently on medications that have been ever changing. His judgment has been significantly impaired througout our married life of 30 years. This diagnosis explains many of the crisis in our lives.

    Most recently I have become aware that there have been several emotional affairs with at least one becoming physical. He claims there was no "sex" just contact.. I don't know what to believe as he has told so many lies and it may not matter now that he is being treated.

    My husband has betrayed me in numerous ways through the years and "turned" on me. How frequent is this behavior with bipolar spouses? On meds does it "go away".
  • Laura
    I just finished a major mixed state...I tore him to shreds like he has never felt before. At the time I don't know it but after I am aware of what I did and then I break down sobbing the next day. I hate it!!!!! I hate hurting him. I have only been diagnosed for 2 months so they are still adjusting my meds and I am really hoping things balance out reasonably. He wants to get married but I am holding off. I want to leave him a way out as I am better off alone and not bring another person into this. Thank you so much for the website as it has such a warm human aspect to it as opposed to the clinical.
  • Hi Laura, thank you for sharing and I'm so glad you found the site. Please know that although such rough patches are common, they are not impossible to recover from. Ensure that your partner is also educating himself in this process as if he chooses to do so, this will be a part of both of you and your future together. Your feelings of offering a "way out" is commendable, but at the same time, let the ultimate decision be his and don't push too hard if you can help it. The process is easier when you have more support and understanding, so please hang in there and know that it can indeed be managed.
  • Isa
    Thanks for this. I've struggled with mental illness since the beginning of my relationship, and my boyfriend and I have been together five years now. He has always stood by me and supported me, even when I'm having a hard time, even when I'm being nasty, even when I'm so depressed that I can't see anything outside my own pain. He's a lifesaver, and I'm glad you provide your wife with the same loyalty and support. :)
  • You're welcome and thank you for sharing!
  • My partner rapid cycles due to more than a decade of misdiagnoses, antidepressants and Akathesia

    Mixed states are a stable diet of his bipolar, depression and hypomania are almost a relief from the mixed states although thankfully now it is finally beginning to slow down and he stabilize.

    we have run the gauntlet, spent time homeless in shelters with my daughters during the worst of it

    what you say rings so true

    Thankyou
  • Thank you for checking in and also for the kinds words!
  • tammy
    Its too bad that not everyone shares your point of view when saying their vows.....I never in a million years thought my husband and I would be divorcing. I really believed with all my heart that we would be together forever. I wish he could see and understand like you do. I often send him links to your website because I often feel as though you have gotten inside MY head on my struggles. I don't know if he ever reads them, but I pray daily that one day God will reveal the truth to him and we will reconcile
  • I'm so sorry Tammy...I know this can be trying to both individuals and the amount of strength it takes to truly understand this type or challenge is tough to measure. It's not easy to see a bright side of divorce, but at the same time, and all due respect to your ex, maybe he's just not ready or equipped to handle such a challenge. At the end of the day, it may be a positive to both of you as you truly need a solid support system and now you know that one did not exist, so you can rebuild. On the other side of the coin, if he had stayed and was unable to accept these challenges, the marriage and the relationship would probably bring both of you more stress and anger than love and patience.

    All the best and my thoughts are with you.
  • A major obstacle in my case is that when I am in a mixed state and say horrible things to my partner, he 'rises to the bait', and is either defensive or hostile in return. I can see why, to be fair to him, but at the end of the day it helps neither of us.

    Another issue is that because he's completely blind in one eye and partially sighted in the other, he'll never be able to 'get' body language (well, except the most explicit stuff like curling up in a ball in the corner or standing in a disossciated or catatonic state, both of which I've been known to do). So spotting the start of cycles isn't easy for him.

    On the other hand, despite his clad to the contrary, he is a perceptive man and recognises my moods - but only when I'm already in them, by which point little can be done.

    It's incredibly trying for him, as you can appreciate. At present he is fearing for his own sanity. Yet he sticks by me. I'm never entirely sure why.
  • Mixed states are typically the hardest time for both my wife and I, they are rare, but the throw enough of a curve ball to where it is difficult to keep up with. I will never say that I'm perfect and I sometimes slip as well and I can totally sympathize, when we both drop our guard, it only hurts the situation more.

    What's odd about what I've been able to pick up is that I can actually tell where she is and where she's going before she can. I've done it when we're in the car driving and I've also done it over email and Instant Messaging. It almost scares her because I can't physically "see" her sometimes, yet I can still tell. Most typically due to my efforts in truly studying her, but there are many ways to learn about a loved ones cycle other than what's visible by the naked eye.

    The reason we stay, is because we know who the real person is, we know who we fell in love with and even though this disorder can physically and emotional change someone, it's mostly temporary and by keeping a lock on the real person we know, it makes it easier to know that stability will soon bring that person back.
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