Shifting the Paradigm

As saddening is it is to witness some of the anger and bitterness from those unwilling to open their mind’s a little more, I must admit that less than a year ago of this writing, I was just as angry and bitter and I felt very similar in the way the some have about dealing with bipolar disorder in my own life.

To clarify my own transformation, I must share the ugly past of who I was prior to my own awakening.

Where I Came From
The progressive appearance of bipolar disorder in my life, via my wife’s affliction, was truly a confusing and annoying challenge for me. There were increasing fights over issues that I simply didn’t see as meaningful and could never understand why such issues arose to begin with. Irrationality was prominent and myself, being a logical yet laid back individual, was not willing to entertain such topics that did not seem important to me, and even more so, if it was something that just didn’t seem normal or logical in anyway whatsoever.

When the hypomanic episodes started coming around, I selfishly took full advantage of them whenever I could. My wife is in line to take the crown as queen of clean and so when she would slip into these mini-mania cycles, I would sit back and watch her clean everything from top to bottom and be proud of the result, never paying her any attention or respect to her condition as to notice that this wasn’t really safe for her. The sexual benefits were in abundance due to the hypomanic cycles as well, and again, I took full advantage in our younger days and the physical satisfactions were always met…at my own disposal, unwilling to focus on her own needs and desires.

Depression kicked in and during the irrational fights and comments, I simply walked away and just let her stew in her own sadness, abandoning the situation and selfishly ignoring her only to allow myself to ignore the real issues going on. I fought back, yelled and made some horrible statements that were used to “snap her out of it” since it seemed that emotional pain is what really got to her. If things became physical, I did everything I could to control the situation…I’ve never struck my wife and never will, but I’ve grabbed her arms to stop the pushing and have gone as far as held her in a corner waiting for her to calm down. When these actions didn’t quite work to my expectations, again, I walked away and refused to listen anymore and did my own thing.

Time For a Change
There came a time in our relationship where we had simply both just given up on being happy. My wife had started working again and although she loved the work, and it obviously helped with finances, she was working third shift and we had two children at home all day that were not yet in school. She was up all day taking care of the kids and was not sleeping well at all until late in the afternoon; this left it difficult to live as a family as she would go to bed the second I came home and we simply didn’t see each other anymore.

For a time, we went through the motions and grew very far apart from one another until one day, I finally *snapped* and said that this is not the life I want for myself and my family. I was angry all the time and the bipolar disorder was still a major issue that was keeping me down, although I know it was my choice to be happy or not and so began the transformation. Although it wasn’t the best way to handle the situation, I gave my wife an ultimatum on whether she was going to come back to the family life, or keep working these ridiculous hours. If she chose the work, I was going to call it quits and we were finished as a couple, otherwise, I was fully ready to make the changes I wanted and finally just love her, no matter what we’ve been through in the past.

Relocating My Own Identity
Although I made some horrible decisions myself and never really treated my wife with the proper respect, I had always hoped we would be happy together and that hope never left me, even during our darkest times. My own emotional shifts and changes included dropping some major demons including jealousy, anger, bitterness and other useless emotions that were forcing me to blind myself to who my wife really was, beyond the disorder. I then stopped thinking of this relationship as a “her and I” situation, and embrace the “us” factor…we both bring our own identities into the marriage and we are in this together, after all. I decided to educate myself on bipolar disorder and generalized anxiety disorder so that I can not only support her, but have an idea of WHY things go they way they sometimes do in our journey.

I started asking the questions I had in my own mind, rather than simply ignoring them as I did in the past. Instead of fighting my wife and telling her to stop acting the way she was, I started asking her why she was acting in such ways. Instead of ignoring her outbursts and arguments, I finally sat and listened to what she was saying whether she was being irrational or not. Instead of walking away and letting her deal with her issues alone, I sat next to her, watching and observing trying to make sense of it all.

By absorbing as much information as I could and applying a little bit of compassion, I was able to reconnect with myself and just let myself care about the one I loved. That spilled over into a new level of love and respect for my wife as I was researching the affects of bipolar disorder and what they have on the mind of the afflicted. Instead of wanting to walk away from her and the challenges, I ended up wanting to help her see better days and know that she was loved no matter what we had experienced in the past and what this illness makes her do.

True, I am not afflicted with bipolar disorder myself, but the most important person in my life is and therefore, I am afflicted by association and by choice. Rather than turn my back on the woman that goes out of her way to make me feel loved and appreciated everyday, I step up to the plate when she needs me and no matter how difficult this illness makes life for us, again, I choose to be right beside her every step of the way.

With a passion to reach out and to help others, Rich opens up a direct view into the trials and tribulations that come with managing a bipolar relationship and how to use real-world techniques to aid in stability and support.

Rich Wallace

View all posts by Rich Wallace
Richs website

Before you go, please consider subscribing to TheBipolarSpouse.com's informative newsletter or keep up to date with current posts by using our RSS Feed or subscribe to new posts via email.