10 Mistakes to Avoid in a Bipolar Relationship

Researching and keeping my finger on the pulse of what challenges are coming up in bipolar relationships has dug up some common issues and strategies that are making the overall relationships even more difficult than they already are. Some of the situations and ideas that are brought up are more emotionally driven than they are logically driven, and when we base our decisions on snap-judgments and immediate reactive responses, there is a larger danger zone introduced into the relationship that can only damage the connection rather than help it.

Based on not only some of the questions that I have been asked pertaining to my own situation, but also on some of the topics that I have come across, here is a list of some of those situations that I have experienced myself in my relationship that has done more damage than healing:

1. Ignore Suicidal Behavior or Tendencies
   Although this should go without saying, it’s the most important mistake we can make in managing a bipolar relationship. Thoughts or statements expressing the consideration of committing suicide are NOT to be ignored and we must make conscious decisions on how to handle these challenges. Keep in mind, during the peak of either end of the bipolar spectrum, our loved one may lose all touch with reality, even when it comes to stopping themselves from acting out potentially life threatening behavior. Without a sense of reality, the final consequence of suicide itself may not even be realized during such an episode.
2. Fight Back Over Irrational Arguments
   When the bipolar cycle shifts into a manic/hypomanic or depressive state, the mood and mindset of our loved on may slip into a very irrational state and the basic sense of reality may also deteriorate. Such arguments may arise that include topics or concerns that are normally not a concern or a threat and there may be no indication as to why the topic has been brought up at all. Choosing to fight back on such topics can be damaging to both parties and can enable our bipolar spouse to view such topics as a true threat and may inhibit some intense reactions and dangerous results if not resolved as soon as possible.
3. Blame Your Loved One for the Disorder
   Bipolar disorder is developed over time and may generally be handed down genetically from the family tree. Those afflicted with the disorder never ask to be affected, nor have they chosen to host the disorder so it is not fair to simply place blame for the disorder on our loved one and how it affects the relationship. Given the progressive appearance of the relationship, younger individuals may witness the slow appearance of the disorder over time and make false assumptions that the changes are planned out by the afflicted individual. This is not the case and blaming our loved one for allowing the disorder to hurt the relationship is simply not fair to the individual.
4. Enable Abusive Behavior and Disrespect
   There is a fine line between “acceptance” and “abuse” and unfortunately, even our bipolar loved ones can learn to cross this line during an episode if supporters are not willing to place an appropriate amount of accountability into the relationship. There are indeed occasions where our loved ones may make some irrational decisions and lash out without merit, but if we do not make it known that there is a line that must not be crossed, we as supporters can quickly being to advertise that we are willing to take any amount of such factors without much consequence. Although the disorder can push our loved ones over the edge, we must still maintain respect and love in the relationship.
5. Digging Up Old Bones
   Bringing up the past can trigger off some intensive anxiety which may induce an expected episode and introduce either old arguments, or previously resolved tensions. Elsewhere on the site, I posted about respecting personal history and although an important key in managing a bipolar relationship, this point is easily forgotten about and tripped over. Rehashing past mistakes or events can repaint an image that was once forgotten, and during an full-blown episode, that past may become the present again.
6. Pass Judgment on Irrational Behavior
   Along the lines of placing accountability, we must keep in mind that bipolar disorder’s most common symptom involves driving the afflicted individual to act out on irrational decisions and present very ordinary behavior. Although some of these decisions can be managed, mistakes can be made and if we are willing to forgive and/or forget, this must be an all-or-nothing agreement. Mistakes are just that, mistakes…and they must be become an identifying factor of our loved ones.
7. Support or Offer Self-Medication
   Oftentimes, unprescribed medication, alcohol or illegal drugs are considered as a “way-out” of an episode. Such paths of destruction can offer what seems to be a temporary relief of the difficulties brought on by such bipolar issues but this relief is indeed temporary, and with constant usage, can introduce other challenges such as addiction or alcoholism. Disregard any considerations of using such substances or beverages as home based medicines and ensure your loved one is in regular contact with their medical professionals.
8. Use Physical Restraint or Violence
   During some manic/hypomanic episodes, frustrations and outright anger may ensue during an outburst or argument. Unless there is a threat to human life, it is imperative that physical restraint or violence is not introduced into the situation (unless performed by a paramedic or other trained professional requiring restraint). Confining or restraining one during an episode may result in firing a trigger which may make the episode ever worse.
9. Leave Loved One Alone During Episode
   The worst time for our loved ones to be alone is during the high or low end of an episode. In some cases, when left alone due to a walk-out after a fight, abandonment anxiety may set in and spur feelings of worthlessness and a feeling of being unloved. It is during these times that irrationality may take over and dangerous decisions and actions may be made that could potentially be life-threatening. Offering space is fine, so long as we are in the general vicinity (i.e.: remain at home if our loved one has decided to stay in bed while battling the episode) and maintaining light communication or monitoring to ensure safety.
10. Making Condescending Statements
    Such remarks that may appear insulting or condescending in nature can only add to the challenges of a bipolar relationship. Some examples of these remarks are:

“Snap out of it.”
“Stop feeling sorry for yourself.”
“So you’re depressed. Aren’t you always?”
“It’s your own fault.”
“You do this on purpose.”

Worst of all, do not say, “I know how you feel…”

Managing a bipolar relationship is challenging by itself, without adding more stress to the parties involved. Although not to be seen as “helpless”, bipolar disorder can push our loved ones over the edge and sometimes will require tender loving care in order to regain some stability. When episodes strike, we must take extra care as to truly support our loved ones with logical and rational strategy and responsibility. Remember that although the supporters are the first line of defense and will take the heaviest onslaught, we must not make the situation worse by making these mistakes; think first and remember that our loved ones are still there.

With a passion to reach out and to help others, Rich opens up a direct view into the trials and tribulations that come with managing a bipolar relationship and how to use real-world techniques to aid in stability and support.

Rich Wallace

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