How to Fail an Attempt at Sympathy

Life experience is all about learning from our own mistakes and if we’re lucky, to come across a helpful soul willing to offer their own experiences and share their mistakes with us as well. At a very young age, I had a strong desire to help people in any way that I could once I crossed paths with them. I learned how to listen emphatically and really let someone looking to vent, to just let it out. I saw an increasing pattern of those people looking to vent to really let it go sometimes and could actually see the stress leave their body by getting it out.

At one point, I realized that when people do decide to find an ear to bend that is willing to take it all in, the last thing that they actually want is to hear about the listener’s similar situation and feel that there is a competition building on whose had a harder life. Of course, asking for advice is different, but many of us really just want to let it out if the opportunity presents itself.

I’ve always been one to play the role of the listener, especially in group environments as to be honest, I don’t have much to really say in many situations. I have my own opinions on certain topics, but I still believe in, “If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all”, not to say I disagree with everything, I just don’t have much of an opinion on many topics. My main goal in these situations is to listen, if not to simply hone that skill, but to also study people in how they act, or react, with one another.

I’ve witnessed some of the most wonderful interactions via conversation and…not so wonderful interactions and one of the most common mistakes I see people make when trying to listen, is to butt in with their own problems, and say the dreaded words, “I know how you feel…”

Yikes!

First off, no matter how similar a situation is that I have had with someone else, close to me or not, I will never know how they feel, nor will they ever really know how I feel. Sure, I can sympathize with people and reach out as best as I can, but just as we are unique in every way, our own matters of the heart and how we deal with them are simply not going to be the same as someone else.

I read the other day on somebody’s blog how they were at a support group for bipolar spouse’s and there was an exchange where the wife of a bipolar individual was telling her story. Visibly distraught and trying to make sense of some issues, another participant chimed in with, “I know how you feel…” and that phrase alone triggered a brutal outburst between the two and they ended up having to be escorted out of the session. At first, I could see both sides as I myself, am married to a bipolar spouse and although there are similar commonalities, I also understood the frustration that took place after the phrase was muttered.

It takes skill to listen anymore as society seems to have fallen into an age of entitlement and competitive life stories. From my experience with my wife and how we manage our own bipolar relationship, there is a deep understanding, mostly from my side, that no matter how much I research the disorder and learn to ride her vibe, I know that I will never know how she feels, and at the same time, she knows that she will never know how I feel in return.

To further touch on the issue, even those living seemingly mirrored lives, still cannot truly know how another feels, because all it takes it a minuscule difference to knock those paths away from each other. Case in point, I had received an email from a woman, truly scared and upset about how her boyfriend could find her marriage-worthy although she herself suffers from bipolar disorder. As it were, she used descriptive offerings in her questions that, although my wife would ask me in the same context, these actually hurt and upset my wife as though she was being labeled by the mailer.

Even I was a bit surprised as both had used similar, actually the same words, in questioning how we make our relationship work and it sparked some anger in my wife as again, regardless of how similar two situations can be for different people, the thoughts and feelings can be completely different.

Feelings and emotions are not only unique per individual, but they are part of our identities. When we attempt to sympathize with another by implying that we know how they feel, or we can understand their emotions, it’s similar to that of intruding on sacred ground. For successful communication and stronger relationship foundations, keep in mind that the connection truly involves two separate entities…otherwise we risk trying to control the overall connection and with that, we risk devaluing the ones we love and care about.

With a passion to reach out and to help others, Rich opens up a direct view into the trials and tribulations that come with managing a bipolar relationship and how to use real-world techniques to aid in stability and support.

Rich Wallace

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