Being There When Nobody Else Is

General, Support | Rich Wallace | January 4, 2010 at 6:23 AM

Being ThereThere are many challenges that come along with a bipolar relationship including the unfortunate result of those afflicted with the disorder finding it difficult to build or maintain an effective support system. There are people that are strong enough to offer enough support but choose not to understand why someone with bipolar disorder runs into issues that may not seem “normal” and are scared off, or there are others that are simply unwilling to put forth the effort to provide a little compassion to another human being when times get tough.

I’ve witnessed first hand, how my wife’s affliction with bipolar disorder can make others become extremely cautious or simply ignore her altogether under the impression that she’s not normal enough to receive their support, compassion and friendship. Not only that, we have experienced such challenges where even family members choose to attack and abandon her over a condition that she never asked for and although she is ashamed of dealing with the disorder, seeks to improve her own life and receive as much help as possible.

As I’ve experienced myself, it’s much easier to pass judgment, label another individual and walk away from such a challenge as accepting a mental disorder in one’s life than it is to move away from the stigma and conditioning that society goes through telling us that those that are not “normal like us”, are a lost cause and are nothing but trouble. Due to such a mentality, those suffering and being abandoned, even if screaming out for help, are all too easily written off and left to fend for themselves without a reliable net to fall into when needed.

Something ugly happens when someone is abandoned or rejected over and over again…they get used to it and soon, learn to expect nothing else. When it comes to the hardships that bipolar driven episodes and high or lows can being to the table for those dealing with them, loneliness becomes a person’s worst enemy and can also introduce some very dangerous opportunities. Those feelings of rejection and being “outcast” can start to be rehashed and intensified resulting in damaging results to one’s self-esteem and self-worth.

From the supporter’s perspective, these types of issues can take a major toll on the emotional side of life as due in part to assisting in managing the triggers, outbursts, episodes and unexpected shifts in cycles seems to be solely aimed at the supporter, and the responsibility of being the lone one there for our loved ones can also become extremely difficult. Although the last thing we want to advertise is that our loved one is a burden to us, the task of being the lone supporter can bring on its own challenges and confusions.

Being my wife’s sole supporter means that when the hardships hit, she only has one immediate path to support, outside of calling her therapist, psychiatrist or the local hospital. Unfortunately, since I work outside of the home and I’m not exactly a stone’s throw away from the house, there is always going to be a critical patch of time where she is alone between the time she calls me for help and when I walk through the front door. Also from the supporting side of the fence, this adds even more stress to know that it is not an option for someone else to go to the plate when an emergency hits.

The commitment I’ve offered to my wife is to be there for her through thick and thin and in sickness and in health and I take my role and responsibilities to her extremely seriously. True, I am not a machine and eventually, the battles can indeed wear me out at times but it is during those times that I must keep in mind that whatever I am going through, the duress that she is going through is only multiplied, ten-fold. When it comes to love, whether we are talking about family love, spousal love or love for a friend, being there is the most important task we can perform for those counting on us because, as unfortunate as it is, too many others choose to be somewhere else.

With a passion to reach out and to help others, Rich opens up a direct view into the trials and tribulations that come with managing a bipolar relationship and how to use real-world techniques to aid in stability and support.
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  • desprate
    Hi, so im new to this community. And i guess its given me some really good advice. My boyfriend of 3 years is AD/HD and is being treated..and often exhibits symptoms VERY similar to bi-polar, i sometimes wonder if hes being misdiagnosed. being young (i was 19 when we met) and being clueless basically threw me into the hell-ride of my life. Well, now we have a 16 month old daughter, and as much as i hate the things he's done to me, i love him to death.... Trust me when i say the symptoms are clear and i know what im talking about. Before i knew anything was even wrong with him i blamed him, and we had those crazy run around scream arguments that dont make any sense almost constantly. I could never win, and i thought so much that he was just being an asshole, so i treated him like one. All that got me was the position of the unloving girlfriend that only wanted to make his life worse. If i ever got to the point i couldn't take it anymore it was always completely my fault for walking out on him when he was weak. That was before i totally realized something was very wrong. Ive been spit on, slapped, shoved, held down, and backed into corners more time than i care to remember. Growing up with a deaf mother taught me young to accept people for who they are and to deal with their flaws. So i guess in a way this prepared me to deal with the imperfect, and taught me not to run from pain, when maybe there were times i should have. His parents taught him to hide his disease, and i didn't find out all the shame he went through during school and growing up until over a year into our relationship. I wish i would of known what i know now when i first met him, because i would of known how to deal with his illness. Being the young pregnant woman that was constantly in a brawl with her babys father taught me to hide my feelings from him, and share them with everyone but him. BIG MISTAKE... as im sure most of you know. This only made him think i wanted to run him down and ruin him. Ive been called every name in the book, and accused of being a cheater and a 2-faced you know what a lot, and its to the point that even though we both love each other, in some part of his mind thats who ill always be. I guess my question is that I think there is to much pain in our past for either of us to continue fighting for something that might be completely moot. I have to see a therapist now because im so depressed and confused, i have no where to turn anymore. we're taking a break right now, because he says my constant nagging him to get his life under control has led him to insanity and he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore, this isn't the first time this has happened. His life is in a lot of ways out of control, Hes smoking marijuana which im sure is making his condition a lot worse because of added paranoia, and he keeps spiraling in and out of trouble. One second he's as sweet as can be, the next he hates me. I would use examples and get more into this, but for the sake of keeping this somewhat short i wont. When is enough, enough? Ive given him so many chances, put myself in complete debt to support him when he wasn't working....i feel like ive held my ground as long as any woman should allowed to tolerate. opinions, advice?
  • Hi, desperate and thank you for taking the time to share your story with us.

    You situation is indeed challenging and the first hint of advice I would consider is that your boyfriend consider seeking help with a psychiatrist to obtain proper diagnosis. Regardless of that, if the two of you are indeed still willing to work on the relationship, it may not be a bad idea to see a therapist together if that is an option.

    Some of the physical encounters concern me especially since there is a young child involved. In this case, I would also suggest that you keep the safety of the little one as the main priority over the relationship between you and your boyfriend.

    Keep talking with your therapist and don't hold back as you will only cheat yourself on treatment. The break may be a good thing while you work through your own thoughts and feelings. Ultimately, if he is not willing to "fix" what is broken between the two of you, you simply cannot run the relationship from both ends all by yourself. Meaning, if he is willing to end it without a fight, then you may need to let go as well and take care of your child and yourself.

    Thanks again for posting and I wish you all the best.
    -Rich
  • dandelion
    Thank you for writing this, Rich. You're completely right. I am my husband's sole supporter as well and it's terribly hard at times to have nobody else to rely on. Believe me, I know how difficult it can be to be around my husband when he's having a mood swing, but it makes it even harder to know that nobody else is willing to offer love and support to someone who didn't chose this illness.
  • Thank you, Dandelion...it is unfortunate that our loved ones are in many cases, left to fend for themselves by those that are unwilling to put forth such efforts and to just, 'be there'. It is difficult to be the martyr, but it does make a world of difference for the ones needing that support.
  • You are so right about the need for support. I have a friend I can talk to sometimes, but for the most part it's either my therapist or I'm on my own. Although the reason I can't always talk to my friend is that I tend to isolate when I'm in crisis. I know that's not a good thing, but it's the only way I know how to cope.
  • Hi Sheri! How you cope with crisis is up to you, as long as it works and isn't a dangerous route. Unfortunately, I do know all too well about the desire to run into isolation as that is what my own wife does when times get rough. Hopefully all ends up well either way and maybe, when you're ready of course, you may start to open up a bit to your friend and solidify that branch of support for yourself. Take care and thanks again for sharing!
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