Dancing With Anxiety

Although Bipolar Disorder is infamous for sending our loved ones on a very unpredictable emotional roller coaster, another challenge that appears to be more and more common within the bipolar realm is dealing with anxiety.  After much research and speaking with others involved in the mental health world, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, or GAD, seems to be the annoying sidekick of Bipolar Disorder.

The last thing I want to take away from anybody is their individuality nor am I one to challenge their ability to cope with such emotional issues as I myself have dealt with fairly intense bouts of anxiety throughout my own existence.  My own wife seems to battle more with her GAD attacks than she does her bipolar driven episodes, which bleed into the relationship and cause great stress for us.

I’m not here to define the true differences between fear and anxiety as there is debate over where the line is crossed between these emotions.  My own experience with anxiety attacks are based on those situations where the result is unknown, versus otherwise and sometimes when my wife experiences such an attack, it can be difficult for me to offer the best line of support possible due to the misunderstandings that may be presented.

From what I can gather, anxiety itself is an extremely intense emotion that can blur the lines of reality by itself, however, anxiety can transform itself into a “secondary” emotion that can act as a reflection of another emotion.  Let me explain…when Bipolar Disorder is involved, there can be traumatic situations that have been rooted into the relationship, whether that be a result of intense hypomanic/manic outbursts and attacks, hypersexuality driven infidelity or any other challenges brought up.  In my wife’s case, some of the challenges we have experienced bring her some heavy feelings of guilt (primary emotion), which can induce an equal or even more intense feeling of anxiety (secondary emotion).

The anxiety kicks in as a reflection of the primary emotion in such that the guilt she may be feeling is jaded by whatever concern she is dealing with at the time.  In our discussions, she describes this to me as, an escape of her own feelings of guilt toward herself so that she can focus her anxieties on me or whatever topic she chooses.  This tends to absolve the pain and discomfort that she has in dealing with her own issues and gives her a path to deal with them by focusing on something else.

To offer some insight as to what I’m trying to describe, I’ll dig into some of the issues that we have identified as her most common areas of anxiety that we deal with in the relationship.  Then I’ll go into each with some examples where I have tied in her feelings of guilt, and turn those into anxiety issues that touch the both of us.

• Intimacy
• Finances
• Personal History
• Lack of Self Worth
• External Relationships

Intimacy
Due the fact that we have four children, it would seem that intimacy would never be a topic of concern, however, intimacy generates some very intense anxiety.  Her past includes some traumatic events that have now resurfaced within our relationship and creates a barrier for her in allowing herself to be close in most cases.  She has great anxiety of me hurting her emotionally as she has dealt with such pains in her youth and blames herself for this.  This introduces a level of guilt, as she blames herself for some of those past events, but her GAD will include a strong sense of anxiety that forces her to continuously worry about when she will be hurt next.

Finances
We had experienced a number of financial setbacks as a result of some occasional hypomanic driven spending sprees that even I was unable to put a stop to.  I was put into a position where I thought I was helping by not fighting those decisions so I take responsibility for these issues as well.  As a result, if there are any purchases that are either expected or unexpected, she will grow anxious of the though of letting go of the funds and spiral off into concerns about us losing our income or the feeling of never being able to get ahead.

Personal History
Based on my wife’s history, there are many times where we either do not see eye-to-eye on how we were both raised so very differently or we found or way via very different moral compasses.  Unfortunately, my wife was typically shielded from having a social life and was not very well developed in such skills.  My past included an active social life and I had a strong support system of friends and acquaintances that I had built over the years.  The ability to interact with others is a weakness my wife has had to deal with and even today, causes her great stress.  Although it was out of her control, she developed anxiety over my own personal history with thoughts that I will run off to relive that past.

Lack of Self Worth
Related to her own personal history, her self-esteem is extremely low and this will generate intense feelings of low self-worth and appreciation.  Again, she blames herself for many of the experiences she has encountered that has aided in these feelings and that guilt spurs into anxiety toward me that I will abandon her based on her feelings of not being, “good enough” for me.

External Relationships
The combination of the other areas covered also prevent her from building and experiencing successful relationships outside of our marriage.  With as much negativity that has been experienced and other anxieties that get in her way, she is unable to accept others and allow them to become close to her whatsoever.  As like the other topics, this supports her own anxiety to where she feels that she will never be accepted and any relationships she did have, have been severed with the thought that she is “allowed” to have anybody else but me.

Anxiety over any given topic by itself is more than likely an emotion that can be dealt with by pushing though the issues that drive the anxiety itself.  I had a ton of anxiety just starting up this site and once I did it and started receiving such positive feedback and interaction, I laughed at myself for even being concerned about it.  However, when anxiety picks its partner and becomes the secondary emotion, it can become a devastating power that can introduce some challenges that seem impossible to get around.  It may feel like you’re playing a broken record, but recurring work on getting through these challenges can offer a huge payoff to the relationship in order to reinforce trust and other positives needed to succeed.

What issues bring up such anxieties in your own relationships or otherwise, and how do you deal with them?

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