When it comes to mixing in such daily affirmations with relationships touched by Bipolar Disorder or other mental health challenges, these affirmations can tend to either nurture the relationship, or end up sounding like a CD player skipping over and over again during your favorite song.

Once is Not Enough
There’s a reason they are called, Daily Affirmations…they are meant to be repeated to ourselves on a daily basis as to install a positive influence and frame of mind, thus being able to translate the belief into a reality.  That reality then is used to push us into a positive step forward; remember “I think I can, I think I can…”

When managing a bipolar relationship, it’s extremely common that the daily affirmations may need to go beyond that and be offered up several times per day.  Some days are going to be harder than others and this is especially the case when dealing with rapid cycling, the shifting of moods may include a phase of low self-esteem or questionable emotions.

For some folks, being told, “I love you” once is good enough.  I used to tell my wife that from the moment she first told me that she loved me, that’s all I needed until the time were to ever come that she no longer loved me.  However, not everybody is like this and I can respect and understand that aspect to the core.

Don’t Think of Yourself
At first, when I was being asked over and over again if I still loved my wife, it became annoying as hell.  Yes…yes dear…yes, I love you…still yes.  I grew annoyed with even saying the words to her without invitation, it almost became a pain to tell her how I felt because, well, I was going to be asked again later on if I still loved her and that only made me become selfish with my own feelings for her.

That way of thinking only caused damage because it started to make me cringe when I volunteered an out-of-the-blue affirmation, which didn’t help because being afraid of communicating your feelings is a huge no-no, for obvious reasons.  Once I gave up the game of selfishness and made an attempt to understand why my wife seemed to require so many affirmations, it started to make sense and that understanding was something that needed to come around before all lines of communication started to deteriorate.

If you find yourself being asked the same questions, don’t judge or demand that they stop simply because you may be tired of answering them over and over again.  Instead, take it as an opportunity to enhance the relationship link and strengthen that bond.  Maybe learn to offer the affirmations more, before they are asked for.  For some of us, there is a need for mental conditioning or dealing with self-esteem challenges that may need to be worked on, but by suppressing such affirmations, we go the opposite direction.

Be Proactive, But be Persistent
Years ago, I never would have done such a thing, but I now find myself offering more and more affirmations and although there are some flare-ups once in awhile, it definitely helps the both of us as far as sharing emotions and adding security in one another.  Now, there’s a happy medium to be met here so it’s not something you want to do just to ‘check it off the task-list’, if you will or else the efforts and the message become meaningless.

The most critical time to offer such support is also during some of the most difficult times as again, when the mood shift occurs, that’s when the insecurities can kick in.  It may be difficult to push your message of love through when your loved one is dealing with an episode and refuses to listen, but at the same time, this is the time to really offer that comfort even if the message appears to fall on deaf ears.

What Say You?
What do you think?  Are the daily affirmations enough; too little or not enough?  When rough patches hit, how can your loved ones support you with such affirmations, or how do you support your loved one during these times?

“Intrusive thoughts are unwelcome involuntary thoughts, images, or unpleasant ideas that may become obsessions, are upsetting or distressing, and can be difficult to manage or eliminate.” – Wikipedia

To date, the most difficult challenge I have been faced with is competing with the intrusive thoughts that my wife battles on a daily basis.  Unfortunately, her conditions provide a breeding ground for such thoughts and they have been successful in constructing some of the strongest barricades that we have ever had to deal with in our time together.

Evidently there are differing types of intrusive thoughts that are actually typical within the human condition, but when such mental health challenges as OCD, depression, anxiety or PTSD (among others) are mixed in, these thoughts can blur the line of reality, disabling one from being able to comprehend what is real and what is not.

Unfortunately, many intrusive thoughts are derived from actual events that have occurred in one’s personal history and if such events have been traumatic in anyway, those thoughts are only piggy-backed onto the images that are already in place due to that trauma.  Although I don’t go into detail of my wife’s personal history here on the site, there are numerous examples I may be able to share, from my perspective, of course.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
When one suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), many of the intrusive thought patterns occur because one or more traumatic events actually happened and the mental images that are tied to those events force one to deal with such thoughts involuntarily.  The intrusive thoughts themselves can generate many feelings of anger, rage, sadness, guilt, shame and wreak havoc on self-esteem.

Within the realm of relationships, the intrusive thoughts can come at anytime, without warning.  These thoughts can also evolve into triggers that can induce a bipolar shift in mood or cycles especially if we are dealing with rapid cycling as well.  Intrusive thoughts permeate into the relationship as the sufferer may be slapped with feelings of disgust, self-loathing and sadness and may affect both participants.

Depression
Depression brings on a whole set of challenges on its own for those to deal with, I experience this myself and know first hand how depression can develop some pretty jacked up intrusive thoughts.  I have never been suicidal, but sometimes the sadness can bring on such severe feelings of worthlessness and failure in life, that the thoughts of, “Maybe my wife and children would be better off if I wasn’t here.” have been known to pop up once in awhile.

Luckily, I can stave these off pretty quickly and pull myself out of it, but unfortunately, many others cannot and this is when the intrusive thoughts can become a real threat.  Since the intrusive thoughts can be distinguished from some of the common depressive thoughts however, when there are suicidal thoughts added into the mix, that blurred line of reality can force one into actually going through with the suicide attempt.

Fighting Can Only Make it Worse
One of the more common coping skill is dealing with intrusive thoughts is to attempt to simply ignore them and bottle them up by pretending that they’re not there.  Unfortunately, although it may sound like a good idea to just give it the “F it!” attitude, it only skirts the issue and strengthens the severity of the images when they come around the next time.  Although I won’t go into detail on them here, there are proven and effective therapeutic treatment plans that may be able to help manage the intrusive thoughts rather that attempting to hide from something that will always know where to find you.

What Say You?
Intrusive thoughts are commonplace and in most cases, are not cause for alarm, but when those thoughts begin to interfere with quality of life, they bleed over into the realm of reality modification.  Do you deal with intrusive thoughts that may appear to be on the cliff of danger?  How do you cope with them when they start to feel strong enough to prevent you from being happy at all?

You may have your mental checklist of triggers or potentially dangerous situations that must be respected in the forefront of your mind and you have trained yourself to deal with some of the repetitive issues that will simply not go away. History teaches us well on those things that may push our loved ones over the edge and into a full-blown shift and we learn from this fairly quickly. We expect and wait for the next crisis or shift that will topple the balance of stability and go into damage control mode in order to keep everybody safe.

Time For a Curve Ball
One of the biggest challenges that I still struggle with in my own relationship with my wife is swallowing my pride in believing that I know it all and can truly figure both her and her disorder out and parachute in to keep her safe and stabilized. I’ve developed a very effective First Aid Kit when it comes to supporting my wife when she needs it and even though I buckle sometimes, I still manage to keep my own well-being in check most days. So after all of the research and experience in dealing with these challenges…there’s still one thing that simply drives me to my knees in utter defeat.

Just Having a Bad Day

That’s right…while I sit at my desk and attempt to churn out quality and useful information pertaining to supporting loved ones that live with bipolar disorder, it’s the typical, basic, we all have them…bad day that my wife may simply be running into that drives me up the wall.

Pretty bad, huh? Yeah, it kills me and it shames me as well because after the years we’ve spent together fighting this illness together, I’ve become susceptible into assuming that my wife is spinning out of control and I go into panic mode, over nothing. Maybe she didn’t get enough sleep, maybe the kids made a mess in a room that she just cleaned up five minutes ago or maybe she’s just beat from having to deal with some of my crap. Either way, she can have a bad day here and there and I guess it’s time for me to accept that.

My wife deals with a LOT in her life and although I’m one to try not to stress too much about life, I stress over her quite a bit because I know she has enough to manage and I’m afraid it will cause her more pain. I know I can’t take her pain from her, nor can I tackle the issues that are going on in her mind, but I still find myself trying to do the impossible. When I cloud my own mind with ignorance and assume that her bad days are actual mini-episodes due to her rapid cycling, I’m only causing her more stress…it’s a double-edged sword.

Support Humanity, Not the Disorder
The only takeaway I’d like people to have on this one is simple. Regardless of whatever challenges bipolar disorder or any mental health issue that may arise, remember that your loved one is still human and can have emotions just like the rest of the world, without the results of those emotions needing to be labeled or tied to the illness.

Something Isn’t Quite Right
Over several years together, there was the expectation that my wife and I would only grow closer together on an emotional level and that connection would solidify and become more and more impenetrable as our love grew. For some reason, however, I started to realize that although we grew more “comfortable” together, there seemed to be a barrier between us that I simply couldn’t get my wife to jump over, no matter what, that prevented her from really accepting my love.

The more I tried to close this gap, the more she appeared to fight my efforts and actually seemed to want this gap to not only stay open, but grow just a little bit. There are times, even to this day, when I attempt to talk to my wife on some of my concerns, she becomes extremely sensitive and will unintentionally “hear” something completely different than what I am actually saying. Another example, if I come home and vent about some of the typical daily-life challenges such as work or traffic, she started to take these vent sessions personally and felt that I was blaming her for the idiot that cut me off on the freeway.

It’s Not You, It’s Me
Although the comfort level that we had together had increased, and my wife was willing to talk to me more and more about some of the things going on in her mind, it was becoming more evident that she had experienced some very hurtful events in her life. Some of the main points that I began to notice were:

Overly Sensitive: Nobody is perfect and in some cases, it’s good to receive some constructive criticism from others. While in a strong relationship, it’s only necessary to bring up issues with each other that could possibly cause rifts within that relationship. However, if I started to offer up some of these issues, my wife seemed to really have a hard time hearing them and started to assume that she was being attacked or rejected.

Avoids Physical Contact: Without offering too much detail and triggering the TMI (Too Much Information) alarm, aside from the fact that we have four beautiful children together, physical contact was very strained and tense with my wife. Even a hug included my wrapping her arms around her only to be met with her own arms folded up and creating a blockade between us. If she needed a hug, they were meaningful and she openly embraced and pulled me close, but if the hug was not initiated by her, it was almost intrusive.

Feelings of Inferiority: We’ve been married for a number of years, and together much longer…however, there are challenges with feeling “not good enough” or “not smart enough” to be around others. This challenges me deeply because I argue why would she not be “good enough” if I have been with her for as long as I have.

Severely Low Self-Esteem: In a nutshell, my wife is awesome…when she’s able to, she connects with me, listens to me when I need her to and can make me laugh even if I’m in a very bad place myself. However, she hates herself and regards herself as worthless, useless and completely unlovable and almost, inhuman.

Now, most of these points may not seem to be worthy of being critical over as I, too, find myself dealing with some of these issues, just not at an extreme level, and definitely not at a level that would prevent me from wishing to enhance the relationship. The occasional compliment will knock some of those self-doubt’s right off the shelf immediately. Why these come up is because, in the sense of “Self-sabotage”, my wife will only allow herself to let me in close enough to keep me at arm’s length away from her.

Don’t Leave Me…
There is a constant, lingering anxiety from my wife that I am going to become fed up and leave her. That the issues brought up in the relationship due to the Bipolar Disorder or other issues may simply push me away and I will just throw my hands up and walk away from her. Because of this anxiety, she will essentially break her wall down and start to pull me in by talking to me more, being more affectionate, smiling and laughing with me and telling me how much I mean to her and that I’m doing everything correctly in order to support her. Her passion for life and desire to just be there with me and be close to me increases and I begin to feel that we are moving forward in the relationship to new levels of happiness.

…Before I Leave you, First
Then, if she allows me to get too close, the push-off immediately comes into play and the affection, laughing and affirmations suddenly disappear without much warning whatsoever. Emotionally, she will shut down and disconnect from me and seem to want nothing to do with me. To put the cherry on top, she will start beating herself up due to the low self-esteem and threaten to leave me because she is too, “messed up”.

One arm waves me in, while the other puts a stop to advancement. Based on her personal history, I can understand why her fear of rejection or abandonment would support this conditioning, but what makes it more difficult to accept is that, we have been together as long as we have and I haven’t left and I have no plans to anytime soon. Dealing with Avoidance Personality Disorder, or Approach-Avoidance Conflicts seem to be more difficult than coping with the mood swings included with Bipolar Disorder, but again, they seem to partner up and like to attack not only the ones suffering, but the supporters and loved ones as well.

Unfortunately, the pain of any anticipated feelings of loss, rejection, abandonment or disliked are so damn strong, those suffering from this issue would rather be alone than to attempt experiencing a healthy and successful relationship, even with a spouse and/or family members.

What Say You?
Do you live with Avoidance Personality Disorder or Approach-Avoidance Conflict? Do you have a loved on that presents the issues offered at all? If so, how do you and your loved ones cope and manage?

Marcy Rubin

Within her article, she used a very effective analogy that makes a lot of sense, especially if you have just recently been introduced to managing a bipolar relationship, or have just started educating yourself on how to support a loved one or acquaintance:

On an airplane, you’re instructed to put the oxygen mask on yourself first. That’s because if you pass out, how can you possibly be of help? The same case can be made when taking care of a bipolar loved one. Since you’re the support provider, you have to stay strong both mentally and physically. – Marcy Rubin (via MarcyRubin.com)

I have no intention of hijacking her post as I truly believe that the information she has been willing to share is gold, however, I will add in my perspective to her key points in how I have included them in my own supporter’s toolbox, or how I will plan to add them in shortly.

1. Get Adequate Rest and Sleep: Although this can be difficult at times, as it is the later hours of the evening that our challenges tend to make themselves more evident, when I get enough rest, my own thoughts and emotions are clear and I can better provide the needed support for my wife if/when the time comes. There are times where I refuse to fall asleep until my wife is asleep for the night and when I do follow this pattern, I pay for it in the long run and the missing sleep affects my own moods and can only add stress overall.
2. Exercise: I’ve always had my own fitness goals and as a previously certified personal trainer, I fully understand the benefits and positive results from maintaining an exercise routine. When it comes to why maintaining such a routine could be seen as an effective tool for supporters, exercise truly assists in keeping stress levels in check and those endorphins that kick in after a workout can really make a difference in how to better keep ourselves healthy, mentally and physically.
3. Eat Healthy Foods: Again, as a former certified trainer, nutrition plays a HUGE role in overall health but again, in relation to how this can relate to assisting a supporter, what we put into our bodies reflects what comes out…mentally and emotionally. If we are consuming junk, our own moods can be affected and our health deteriorates i such a way where we simply don’t have the energy to be our best. When our loved ones are depending on us, it can only add more stress when we can’t be relied upon because we chose a bacon double-cheese burger instead of that baked salmon.
4. Time for Yourself: Sometimes, I feel selfish about this one as my main goal within my relationship with my life to to make sure that she knows I am always there if/when she needs me. However, it is critical that supporters do indeed take time to focus on ourselves and make sure that we don’t forget about us, either. I currently participate in a bowling league with three of my best friends every Wednesday evening and those few hours make a huge difference throughout the week.
5. Accept Your Own Negative Emotions: As much as I hate negativity in any relationship, this is simply an act of nature and can’t be ignored or prevented. Although those living with Bipolar Disorder have their difficult times, can become irrational and may lash out at their supporters, it’s important that those supporters understand that as a result, we may have negative feelings. Marcy pointed out such emotions as guilt and anger and unfortunately, again, these are human emotions that we all have regardless of how those emotions are triggered. Supporters need to accept these emotions and not end up beating themselves up over them. I struggle with these emotions on a continual basis and work hard to remind myself that even the worst outbursts are a part of the disorder and (in most cases), it’s not my fault and I’m doing the best that I can to support my wife.
6. Validate Your Efforts: , this one hits hard as in most cases, when episodes hit…it becomes a bit difficult to know if I am helping or hurting the situation. During episode driven outbursts, there are things said that would normally derail my entire efforts to keep myself balanced and confident that I am doing the right things. During these times, I keep reminding myself that I’ve been involved with the situation for many years and if what I do wasn’t working, my wife and I would not be together. When stability comes around, my wife is able to provide me with the feedback that I need to ensure that I am on the right path right beside her.
7. Have Your Own Support: Having your own support system is imperative and when the situations arise where you need your own net to fall back on, that support system keeps us in balance. My father has played a HUGE role within the support system for both my wife and I in that, he strives to be there for both us of together, or individually if we need that one on one connection. When the kids need some time to get away, he scoops them right up and keeps them at his house and sugars them up just fine. Friends and family that are, “in-the-know” can also provide a safety net when needed so ensure that you keep focus on those relationships as well.
8. Laugh: Laughter can indeed be the best medicine and much like maintaining an exercise routine, laughter also releases endorphins that can help ease some stress. In moments of opportunity, especially when I can see my wife begin to decline, I’ll crack a joke or remind her of something that I know can put her into a snort-fest of laughter and sometimes, that can actually prevent an episode. As a supporter, again…let those endorphins flow as they can truly help out when needed.
9. Conserve Your Energy: Nothing can add more stress to a situation when you are not prepared for it and this holds true to managing a bipolar relationship. I have a horrible habit of bringing the frustrations of work home with me at the end of the day and unfortunately, my wife picks up on those frustrations and there are mixed signals sent when I come off as “unapproachable”. At the end of the work day, I cap off my stresses and leave them on my desk knowing that they’ll still be there when I fire up the laptop the next morning. This allows me to provide my best to my wife and kids and when home stress does hit, I can focus on that and not deal with multiple sources of stress at the same time.
10. Have Your Own Goals: Yes, not everybody has a set of planned goals in their lives, which is unfortunate and when we do this, we can very easily lose track of who we are and what we really want out of life. Managing a bipolar relationship is not a goal of mine…having a long, loving and healthy marriage to the woman I love, is. However, I know that bipolar disorder will always be a part of our marriage and I have accepted that long ago and to be honest, I don’t think I would change that aspect if I could. My goals are prominent in my life and some of them relate directly to how I want TheBipolarSpouse.com to fit within those goals. Keeping my goals in focus can play a huge part on how I manage those other life tasks that may or may be link in with those goals.

Again, I highly suggest Marcy’s article be added to your bookmarks, even if you can’t read it now, make sure you read it over soon as the information is aimed at both those living with Bipolar Disorder and to those that support them. There’s a lot more than what I’ve touched on here and again, what I’ve done in my own life may not be in line with what others may choose to do, or how to perceive the information.

What Say You?
I’ve connected with Marcy several times and we’ve discussed how important it is for supporters to take care of themselves while in a position of caring for a loved one diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. Of course, we all have our own opinions on such topics, and what works for me may not work for another, which I truly appreciate and accept. What do you think and if desired, what else would you offer to those supporting loved ones with Bipolar Disorder? Comment below and let me know what you think.

By the Way:
Check out Marcy Rubin’s website for more valuable information and follow her on Twitter, at @MarcyRubin.

During the course of my relationship with my wife, we have experienced just about everything that could be construed as both a climax of positivity, to hitting rock bottom. Fortunately, we have been able to make a much deeper connection during the highpoints that can truly help us break through the most difficult times and come out the other side knowing that “we” will be just fine and we have learned from those challenges.

Dealing With Personal Attacks
No matter how many times it may occur, when on the receiving end of an episode driven outburst, as much pain as one with bipolar disorder is experiencing, supporters will also experience some of their own pain if/when personal attacks begin to present themselves. From a supporter’s perspective, however, it is imperative that we remember that in most cases, those attacks are not actually to be taken personally. I received an email from a new reader that was very open to offering some insight from the “other side of the fence” as it pertains to one dealing with the disorder and why the attacks come about. That being said, as per his permission to offer it here on the site, this is the information that was offered:

There are times when we have to draw on every drop of emotional energy we have to keep ourselves together, to avoid going over the edge completely and running headlong into oblivion. But ANY interaction with another person draws off emotional energy from us. So, when we need it all to keep ourselves safe, we cannot afford to deal with others. But when we are ill in that way, they very often want to “help”; yet their very effort to be helpful is Unhelpful. So, we push them away. And the more they come back the harder we will push them back! And so the situation escalates. This is particularly the case when the help being offered is totally inappropriate, or is not meant to be helpful but to lecture and instruct us about how we should be feeling! Inappropriate advice, or that kind of lack of support, is a massive draw on our emotional energy. For example, people who harangue us to “pull yourself together…” are not only unhelpful but very annoying and, as such, they draw very heavily on our store of emotional energy. So, they are vigorously resisted because they are dangerous to our state of mind, to our stability.

In my humble opinion, this advice is pure gold from a supporter’s perspective. When I sent this to my wife, she validated every letter and told me that, if she had the ability to really let me know how she felt about the subject, this is the exact piece of advice she would have given me years ago. See, it’s in my nature to want to “help” in anyway that I can when my wife is going through some struggles, and sure enough, when I would try to help by comforting her, talking to her or attempting to coax her into releasing and talking…the situation would definitely escalate into arguments and I never really understood why.

The human mind is an amazing tool, and like anything else, it requires fuel to run at its most efficient level. Emotional energy is that fuel and for the bipolar mind, it is imperative that supporters are still there to ensure that our loved ones are not alone, but it’s even more critical that we keep our distance when the time comes and wait on deck until we are called into play.

What Say You?
I’m always interested in hearing from others and based on the subject here, I’m sure there are other opinions and ideas that may be beneficial to share to both supporters and those living with Bipolar Disorder. Have your say and join the conversation by commenting below.

Those with strong will and determination can often muster up enough hidden strength to get though just about any challenge, no matter how painful or saddening the outcome of those challenges are. Some relationships end the second there is a hint at difficulty, others fade away when the trust and sanctity of the relationship is touched by infidelity or other extreme cases.

Regular readers of the site here may have noticed that my writing activity has decreased considerably over the past few weeks. After much focus and healing time, I decided it was time to come back to my passion of writing and share some of the most difficult aspects that have occurred recently in order to fulfill my wish to help and inform others. Although the past few weeks has been the most difficult time of my life as it pertains to my relationship, it has been indeed an eye-opening experience and the most I learn, the more value I can provide to others.

The Downward Spiral
Our relationship roller coaster started to hit an unexpected corkscrew when my wife had decided to attempt to reach out to her sisters, after not speaking to them for over two years. Although for some time I had supported the idea of her reconnecting and hopefully resolving the past challenges they had all had among each other, I was skeptical as the anger she still carried during those two years had resurfaced the moment her opportunity for contact with them came about.

Overall, there was an increasing amount of rage and anger that had been growing inside of her for the past few months, but aside from some difficult days and slight depression, it wasn’t anything critical and she was still very functional. The day after she met with her sisters, her well-being had taken a pretty rough turn and felt betrayed although she had hope that things could change for the better. She swore them off again and mentioned that she didn’t want them back in her life and told me that she didn’t want the kids involved whatsoever based on the outcome of their meeting. I supported her decision and we pretty much left it at that.

The next day, I came home from work and all of the kids were home except for my oldest. My wife was sitting in the den playing on the computer and I finally asked where our daughter was, and she responded that she was with one of her sisters. Based on what she had told me the previous night, my understanding was that she didn’t want the kids involved whatsoever and that was the end of the sister opportunity. I got upset as it seems that she decided to change her mind without informing me and after her report on her meeting with her sisters and some of the things they told my wife, I was really not all that supportive of the reintegration either.

I voiced my frustration with how my wife handled this by not keeping me in the loop as these are my children as well, and unfortunately, the anger and rage that my wife had been fighting recently decided to come out at this time. We ended up engaging in a verbal argument and although I am not going to say that I was the perfect angel, my wife did end up losing control and physically attacked me in front of the other three children. My son was affected most of all and all I could see was him screaming, sitting on the couch in a fetal position yelling at my wife to stop hitting me. She finally stopped and drove off to her sister’s to get our daughter.

As I consoled the children, she came with back our oldest daughter, whom of which was already visibly shaken up. We ended up calling it an early night and finally got everybody calmed down enough to relax and go to bed.

The next day, I went to work early only to leave early to go talk to my father as to gain some perspective from him. I stayed there for a few hours and decided to try to get home about the same time the kids got home from school in case my wife was still out of sorts. I got home soon after the children did and could tell that my wife was still very upset and she was not stable enough to have a civilized conversation just yet. We both traded comments back and forth and although it wasn’t the best way for me to handle it, I am still human as well and my feelings can indeed be hurt.

I went outside to watch the kids play with their roller skates in the driveway and my wife decided to make some appearances outside with us, but again, the rage was still boiling and there were no pleasant interactions at all. I went back inside as I had received a phone call from a client and finished that up in the den. My wife was still angry and the comments were still going back and forth and I finally had enough and told her that I was done with everything and that it wasn’t healthy and I wasn’t happy whatsoever in her ways of attacking me emotionally and physically as this wasn’t the only time it had happened.

When I told her this and as angry as I had become, she essentially lost it all over again and while screaming at the top of her lungs, (I can’t even say what she was saying at the time) she threw her cell phone directly at my chest, which connected in the sternum and then lunged at me, screaming, kicking, pushing and slapping me. I did manage to stop her at one point and warned her that if she did not stop and calm down, I was going to call the police.

After I said this, she did indeed attack again and after several smacks on the arms and my back, I grabbed my phone and went to the bedroom calling 911. As I closed and locked the bedroom door, she picked up and threw our dog’s cage at me while still yelling.

After about ten minutes on the phone with dispatch, the police showed up and instructed me to come out of the bedroom. My wife was still very visibly upset, verbally fighting with the police as they instructed her to calm down and told me to wrangle up the kids and put them in their room for a bit. I informed dispatch that my wife suffered from bipolar disorder and was going though a major hypomanic episode; which the on-site officers asked her if she was on her meds to make sure that was not an issue.

After taking me to the den and viewing the results of the physical attack from the marks on my back, they instructed me that they needed to arrest her and take her to jail for the evening. Again, I got the kids out of sight as they removed my wife from the home and they placed the handcuffs on her and took her in. It took me about an hour to collect myself after my father showed up to help out with the kids as I was in no condition to take care of all four at the time. We talked for a bit before going to his house so the kids could stay over for the night and I ended up going back home to be alone and think. I was not aware of what my wife was going through and also wanted to be close to home in case she was released or was allowed to keep in contact with me.

She did spend the night in jail and I had hoped that this was going to be a true eye opener for her on how the results of the recent decisions would affect not only herself, but the kids and those around her.

Some of the most popular topics covered here on the site, as well as some brand new content is shared within the pages of this new eBook in order to provide those touched by Bipolar Disorder, from a supporter’s perspective, with some useful and helpful information.

The eBook is free to you just for signing up for our newletter, where you will receive important information related to the site and other announcements as well as other critical resources.

If interested, please feel free to look over the details of the free newsletter offering, and you may also view more information on “Entering Into a Bipolar Relationship” before making your decision to sign up.

Thank you and I wish you all the best!

The last thing I want to take away from anybody is their individuality nor am I one to challenge their ability to cope with such emotional issues as I myself have dealt with fairly intense bouts of anxiety throughout my own existence. My own wife seems to battle more with her GAD attacks than she does her bipolar driven episodes, which bleed into the relationship and cause great stress for us.

I’m not here to define the true differences between fear and anxiety as there is debate over where the line is crossed between these emotions. My own experience with anxiety attacks are based on those situations where the result is unknown, versus otherwise and sometimes when my wife experiences such an attack, it can be difficult for me to offer the best line of support possible due to the misunderstandings that may be presented.

From what I can gather, anxiety itself is an extremely intense emotion that can blur the lines of reality by itself, however, anxiety can transform itself into a “secondary” emotion that can act as a reflection of another emotion. Let me explain…when Bipolar Disorder is involved, there can be traumatic situations that have been rooted into the relationship, whether that be a result of intense hypomanic/manic outbursts and attacks, hypersexuality driven infidelity or any other challenges brought up. In my wife’s case, some of the challenges we have experienced bring her some heavy feelings of guilt (primary emotion), which can induce an equal or even more intense feeling of anxiety (secondary emotion).

The anxiety kicks in as a reflection of the primary emotion in such that the guilt she may be feeling is jaded by whatever concern she is dealing with at the time. In our discussions, she describes this to me as, an escape of her own feelings of guilt toward herself so that she can focus her anxieties on me or whatever topic she chooses. This tends to absolve the pain and discomfort that she has in dealing with her own issues and gives her a path to deal with them by focusing on something else.

To offer some insight as to what I’m trying to describe, I’ll dig into some of the issues that we have identified as her most common areas of anxiety that we deal with in the relationship. Then I’ll go into each with some examples where I have tied in her feelings of guilt, and turn those into anxiety issues that touch the both of us.

• Intimacy
• Finances
• Personal History
• Lack of Self Worth
• External Relationships

Intimacy
Due the fact that we have four children, it would seem that intimacy would never be a topic of concern, however, intimacy generates some very intense anxiety. Her past includes some traumatic events that have now resurfaced within our relationship and creates a barrier for her in allowing herself to be close in most cases. She has great anxiety of me hurting her emotionally as she has dealt with such pains in her youth and blames herself for this. This introduces a level of guilt, as she blames herself for some of those past events, but her GAD will include a strong sense of anxiety that forces her to continuously worry about when she will be hurt next.

Finances
We had experienced a number of financial setbacks as a result of some occasional hypomanic driven spending sprees that even I was unable to put a stop to. I was put into a position where I thought I was helping by not fighting those decisions so I take responsibility for these issues as well. As a result, if there are any purchases that are either expected or unexpected, she will grow anxious of the though of letting go of the funds and spiral off into concerns about us losing our income or the feeling of never being able to get ahead.

Personal History
Based on my wife’s history, there are many times where we either do not see eye-to-eye on how we were both raised so very differently or we found or way via very different moral compasses. Unfortunately, my wife was typically shielded from having a social life and was not very well developed in such skills. My past included an active social life and I had a strong support system of friends and acquaintances that I had built over the years. The ability to interact with others is a weakness my wife has had to deal with and even today, causes her great stress. Although it was out of her control, she developed anxiety over my own personal history with thoughts that I will run off to relive that past.

Lack of Self Worth
Related to her own personal history, her self-esteem is extremely low and this will generate intense feelings of low self-worth and appreciation. Again, she blames herself for many of the experiences she has encountered that has aided in these feelings and that guilt spurs into anxiety toward me that I will abandon her based on her feelings of not being, “good enough” for me.

External Relationships
The combination of the other areas covered also prevent her from building and experiencing successful relationships outside of our marriage. With as much negativity that has been experienced and other anxieties that get in her way, she is unable to accept others and allow them to become close to her whatsoever. As like the other topics, this supports her own anxiety to where she feels that she will never be accepted and any relationships she did have, have been severed with the thought that she is “allowed” to have anybody else but me.

Anxiety over any given topic by itself is more than likely an emotion that can be dealt with by pushing though the issues that drive the anxiety itself. I had a ton of anxiety just starting up this site and once I did it and started receiving such positive feedback and interaction, I laughed at myself for even being concerned about it. However, when anxiety picks its partner and becomes the secondary emotion, it can become a devastating power that can introduce some challenges that seem impossible to get around. It may feel like you’re playing a broken record, but recurring work on getting through these challenges can offer a huge payoff to the relationship in order to reinforce trust and other positives needed to succeed.

What issues bring up such anxieties in your own relationships or otherwise, and how do you deal with them?

Although there are certain aspects that we must consider and respect from one another, most any relationship cannot truly survive without the attribute of trust acting as the foundation. Unfortunately, since trusting others is not necessarily a one way street, we must keep an eye open and learn about the challenges that are blocking the path in order to resolve them if we are looking to strengthen the bond.

Possible Trust Barriers

Personal History: There can be different aspects to how personal history can affect trust whether that history belongs to the sufferer, the supporter or both. It’s important to set expectations on how such history will be considered in the relationship and if there are any concerns that must be brought up and discussed. Such topics may include troubled family history, traumatic life events or basic concerns such as personality or moral beliefs.

Example: My wife was brought up in a harsh way of life and was limited to social interaction with others, especially males. My upbringing was not restricted and my ability to have friendships with other females causes concern and anxiety for my wife. She knows I am not one to stray, but her personal history disallows her to fully trust other relationships I may have with other people.

Conflicts of Opinion: Opinions are as unique as each individual and although some of the foundational connections involved in a relationship seem to work, sometimes all it takes is a slight difference of opinion in order to put a crack in the foundation. Such issues may be related to religious beliefs, political followings and overall thoughts on basic topics.

Example: I am very laid back and tend to not let too many things bother me and sometimes refuse to let issues that would normally traumatize a relationship to cause me much concern. My wife has always been a worrier and if issues arise that should put me into a panic attack, do not success in doing so, she sometimes feels as though I do not care enough about the relationship overall.

Self-Inflicted Mistakes: This may sound odd, but based on some of the mistakes one individual has made in the past, that same individual may start to lose trust in the other. In other words…although mistakes are made, and although we are all human, if those mistakes are deemed as critical yet easy to make by one individual, it only offers the possibility that the other participant can easily make those same mistakes and cause damage to the relationship.

Example: As discussed in another post, some relationships experience damaging challenges that may or may not be recovered from, such as infidelity. If the relationship is salvaged and an understanding is reached on the topic, the offender may realize how easily the mistake was made on thier own part. That realization may bleed over into a newly developed trust issue against the non-offender in preparing for a retaliation “mistake” or feel that the other individual can easily make that same mistake.

Although it would seem easy to just work on including trust somewhere in the relationship, it is imperative that we highlight trust as the base foundation of the relationship, instead. Such a situation where trust is not returned 100% from both participants can only bring frustration, anger and fear that can consume the relationship and continually damage the connection.

It’s not easy to fix a cracked foundation when the house has already been built. If trust is not embedded within our relationships from the start, there’s no telling when the entire house will crumble to the ground.

Share Your Thoughts?
What trust issues have you had to handle and how did they affect your relationship(s)?