One of the only guarantees in life is that we will have bad days here and there; that’s just the nature of the beast when it comes to day-to-day living.  Sure, there are some of the few that can smile all day long and let their stress melt away like an ice sculpture in August.  Even so, to consider them to be invincible against difficulties in life is illogical, no matter how well they may be able to conceal them.

When it comes to such challenges and realities in relation to living with Bipolar Disorder, it is not uncommon for what many may consider, “just a bad day”, to truly feel like a day of Armageddon.  Personally, I have fallen victim to these type of days myself on one or two occasions, yet I am human and my world still exists…although maybe a little bit off axis than before.

Perceptions from the Other Side
I had the honor of receiving an email from one reader that offered permission for me to share his own insight based on why it appears that our loved ones can seem to shut down and/or lash out during times of difficulty.  Although his words truly shed some light on the subject at hand, when the actual event is happening in front my face, it is still difficult to watch as any witness to destruction can attest.

Whether we group people together with labels such as, “Mentally Ill”, “Bipolar”, or “Mental”…we are all still part of the same group labeled, “Human”.  Part of being human is to also be unique and individual; even when it comes to living with a generalized “disorder”, the common symptoms and expectations do not wander down a predetermined path.

Readers of the blog have witnessed some of my own days of weakness in such that I will actually go as far as taking the site down for a day or so.  Thus, I am human and I am not perfect.  But this is only brought up to present that although I do not live with mental illness in my personal life journey, again, I can still have bad days and shut down like anybody else.

Nobody is Perfect
I offer up my own imperfections to illustrate that although I am the non-bipolar participant in such a relationship, emotional shut down and “bad days” are simply not limited to those touched by mental illness.  I closely monitor the blog throughout my days and can see who’s visited the blog, how they located the blog and even what they typed in on search engines to find the blog.  To be honest, some of these searches can be heartbreaking and frustrating at the same time.

Watching a loved one go though emotional struggles is a difficult task and we all have our own unique set of coping skills.  Mine are no better than my wife’s; my wife’s are no less effective for her than mine are for me.  This is the gift of individuality, however, when we sit on the sidelines and watch our loved one deal with an issue in a much different manner, there may be misperceptions and frustrations introduced that have potential to wreak havoc on the relationship.

The Straw that Broke the Camel’s Back
Life will always bring on new and difficult challenges, many that we simply have no control over.  However, that does not mean that these challenges won’t affect us regardless of what kind of influence we have against them.  Money still doesn’t grow on trees; taxes still haven’t gone down; kids still love to challenge boundaries and days will still turn to night.

Sometimes, we just need to be alone.  When we shut down emotionally, it is similar to that of a circuit breaker, in which, the demand has exceeded the capacity and it’s time to call it quits for awhile, until the demand thins out some.  Some will contest that we are only given as much as we can handle in life…OK, but when people become upset about a loved one “blowing up” or shutting down, keep in mind that although life has given us a ton to deal with, it never gave us a definitive deadline to deal with them.

Yes, I struggle with this myself and my wife can happily attest to this when she reaches her limit and needs to shut down.  Again, I am human and I am constantly learning, although I may fight some of these educational opportunities, I am not perfect.  My challenge to others is to not be so quick to judge other based on a label; simply because one with a mental illness does not make them exempt from the human race and also, stop and try to remember when you, the normal, didn’t have a bad day yourself.

What Say You?
How do you cope with emotional shut down when you watch a loved one go through such a difficult time?  How does it feel when you, yourself need to shut down and what adivce can you offer to loved ones when they witness your shut down period?

“Intrusive thoughts are unwelcome involuntary thoughts, images, or unpleasant ideas that may become obsessions, are upsetting or distressing, and can be difficult to manage or eliminate.” – Wikipedia

To date, the most difficult challenge I have been faced with is competing with the intrusive thoughts that my wife battles on a daily basis.  Unfortunately, her conditions provide a breeding ground for such thoughts and they have been successful in constructing some of the strongest barricades that we have ever had to deal with in our time together.

Evidently there are differing types of intrusive thoughts that are actually typical within the human condition, but when such mental health challenges as OCD, depression, anxiety or PTSD (among others) are mixed in, these thoughts can blur the line of reality, disabling one from being able to comprehend what is real and what is not.

Unfortunately, many intrusive thoughts are derived from actual events that have occurred in one’s personal history and if such events have been traumatic in anyway, those thoughts are only piggy-backed onto the images that are already in place due to that trauma.  Although I don’t go into detail of my wife’s personal history here on the site, there are numerous examples I may be able to share, from my perspective, of course.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
When one suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), many of the intrusive thought patterns occur because one or more traumatic events actually happened and the mental images that are tied to those events force one to deal with such thoughts involuntarily.  The intrusive thoughts themselves can generate many feelings of anger, rage, sadness, guilt, shame and wreak havoc on self-esteem.

Within the realm of relationships, the intrusive thoughts can come at anytime, without warning.  These thoughts can also evolve into triggers that can induce a bipolar shift in mood or cycles especially if we are dealing with rapid cycling as well.  Intrusive thoughts permeate into the relationship as the sufferer may be slapped with feelings of disgust, self-loathing and sadness and may affect both participants.

Depression
Depression brings on a whole set of challenges on its own for those to deal with, I experience this myself and know first hand how depression can develop some pretty jacked up intrusive thoughts.  I have never been suicidal, but sometimes the sadness can bring on such severe feelings of worthlessness and failure in life, that the thoughts of, “Maybe my wife and children would be better off if I wasn’t here.” have been known to pop up once in awhile.

Luckily, I can stave these off pretty quickly and pull myself out of it, but unfortunately, many others cannot and this is when the intrusive thoughts can become a real threat.  Since the intrusive thoughts can be distinguished from some of the common depressive thoughts however, when there are suicidal thoughts added into the mix, that blurred line of reality can force one into actually going through with the suicide attempt.

Fighting Can Only Make it Worse
One of the more common coping skill is dealing with intrusive thoughts is to attempt to simply ignore them and bottle them up by pretending that they’re not there.  Unfortunately, although it may sound like a good idea to just give it the “F it!” attitude, it only skirts the issue and strengthens the severity of the images when they come around the next time.  Although I won’t go into detail on them here, there are proven and effective therapeutic treatment plans that may be able to help manage the intrusive thoughts rather that attempting to hide from something that will always know where to find you.

What Say You?
Intrusive thoughts are commonplace and in most cases, are not cause for alarm, but when those thoughts begin to interfere with quality of life, they bleed over into the realm of reality modification.  Do you deal with intrusive thoughts that may appear to be on the cliff of danger?  How do you cope with them when they start to feel strong enough to prevent you from being happy at all?

Something Isn’t Quite Right
Over several years together, there was the expectation that my wife and I would only grow closer together on an emotional level and that connection would solidify and become more and more impenetrable as our love grew. For some reason, however, I started to realize that although we grew more “comfortable” together, there seemed to be a barrier between us that I simply couldn’t get my wife to jump over, no matter what, that prevented her from really accepting my love.

The more I tried to close this gap, the more she appeared to fight my efforts and actually seemed to want this gap to not only stay open, but grow just a little bit. There are times, even to this day, when I attempt to talk to my wife on some of my concerns, she becomes extremely sensitive and will unintentionally “hear” something completely different than what I am actually saying. Another example, if I come home and vent about some of the typical daily-life challenges such as work or traffic, she started to take these vent sessions personally and felt that I was blaming her for the idiot that cut me off on the freeway.

It’s Not You, It’s Me
Although the comfort level that we had together had increased, and my wife was willing to talk to me more and more about some of the things going on in her mind, it was becoming more evident that she had experienced some very hurtful events in her life. Some of the main points that I began to notice were:

Overly Sensitive: Nobody is perfect and in some cases, it’s good to receive some constructive criticism from others. While in a strong relationship, it’s only necessary to bring up issues with each other that could possibly cause rifts within that relationship. However, if I started to offer up some of these issues, my wife seemed to really have a hard time hearing them and started to assume that she was being attacked or rejected.

Avoids Physical Contact: Without offering too much detail and triggering the TMI (Too Much Information) alarm, aside from the fact that we have four beautiful children together, physical contact was very strained and tense with my wife. Even a hug included my wrapping her arms around her only to be met with her own arms folded up and creating a blockade between us. If she needed a hug, they were meaningful and she openly embraced and pulled me close, but if the hug was not initiated by her, it was almost intrusive.

Feelings of Inferiority: We’ve been married for a number of years, and together much longer…however, there are challenges with feeling “not good enough” or “not smart enough” to be around others. This challenges me deeply because I argue why would she not be “good enough” if I have been with her for as long as I have.

Severely Low Self-Esteem: In a nutshell, my wife is awesome…when she’s able to, she connects with me, listens to me when I need her to and can make me laugh even if I’m in a very bad place myself. However, she hates herself and regards herself as worthless, useless and completely unlovable and almost, inhuman.

Now, most of these points may not seem to be worthy of being critical over as I, too, find myself dealing with some of these issues, just not at an extreme level, and definitely not at a level that would prevent me from wishing to enhance the relationship. The occasional compliment will knock some of those self-doubt’s right off the shelf immediately. Why these come up is because, in the sense of “Self-sabotage”, my wife will only allow herself to let me in close enough to keep me at arm’s length away from her.

Don’t Leave Me…
There is a constant, lingering anxiety from my wife that I am going to become fed up and leave her. That the issues brought up in the relationship due to the Bipolar Disorder or other issues may simply push me away and I will just throw my hands up and walk away from her. Because of this anxiety, she will essentially break her wall down and start to pull me in by talking to me more, being more affectionate, smiling and laughing with me and telling me how much I mean to her and that I’m doing everything correctly in order to support her. Her passion for life and desire to just be there with me and be close to me increases and I begin to feel that we are moving forward in the relationship to new levels of happiness.

…Before I Leave you, First
Then, if she allows me to get too close, the push-off immediately comes into play and the affection, laughing and affirmations suddenly disappear without much warning whatsoever. Emotionally, she will shut down and disconnect from me and seem to want nothing to do with me. To put the cherry on top, she will start beating herself up due to the low self-esteem and threaten to leave me because she is too, “messed up”.

One arm waves me in, while the other puts a stop to advancement. Based on her personal history, I can understand why her fear of rejection or abandonment would support this conditioning, but what makes it more difficult to accept is that, we have been together as long as we have and I haven’t left and I have no plans to anytime soon. Dealing with Avoidance Personality Disorder, or Approach-Avoidance Conflicts seem to be more difficult than coping with the mood swings included with Bipolar Disorder, but again, they seem to partner up and like to attack not only the ones suffering, but the supporters and loved ones as well.

Unfortunately, the pain of any anticipated feelings of loss, rejection, abandonment or disliked are so damn strong, those suffering from this issue would rather be alone than to attempt experiencing a healthy and successful relationship, even with a spouse and/or family members.

What Say You?
Do you live with Avoidance Personality Disorder or Approach-Avoidance Conflict? Do you have a loved on that presents the issues offered at all? If so, how do you and your loved ones cope and manage?

For those that may have only recently found TheBipolarSpouse.com, my wife manages her life with Bipolar Disorder II and Ultradian Cycling. I like to believe that I am a very compassionate individual and when I watch my wife go through one, two or ten shifts in a single day, it tears me up inside knowing that although I can “be there” for her, there really is nothing I can do to help her aside from that. I pointed out in another post about how it may visually appear to others on how such rapid cycling can affect both a sufferer and a supporter and although it looks brutal on paper, I still will never be able to express some of the difficulties in words.

The hardest challenge I have to deal with on a daily basis, is reminding myself over and over again, that when my wife is dealing with some of the issues she manages, even if things are said or done that may present otherwise, she does love me with everything that she has to offer and the “real” her is not out to hurt me. Sometimes, during a shift, she can literally look me dead in the eyes with that gorgeous smile and tell me that she knows that I love her and that she loves me more than anything and I am her world…and five minutes later, she’s struggling and asking why I hate her so much and how can I stand being with her.

I’ll be honest and upfront with you and anybody that asks me, because I am only human, I sometimes (many more times than I’d like to) break my own cardinal rule of not participating in arguments or fights during times of distress or irrationality, but again, I am human and sometimes this damned disorder gets the better of me, unfortunately at the expense of my wife’s feelings.

She often refers to what’s going on in her mind as a “dark cloud” that overtakes her world, or having the “Angel and Demon” on her shoulders battling it out. What becomes difficult is seeing her during her times of joy and stability, where she outright knows that all is well between us and shares her love with zero limits and then, out of nowhere, that cloud floats in and takes her away from me. There are “images” and falsehoods whispered into her ear by that little devil that she has very little control over as far as ignoring…yet, I just saw ten minutes prior that she was winning the fight. The worst part, is when this dark side of the disorder takes over and makes her lash out to hurt me, if I succumb and retaliate, it’s smart enough to side-step itself and let my words cause the damage against my wife, and not the disorder.

From my perspective, although I know for a fact that she wishes to give and receive nothing but the purest love that we have between us, the path to that utopia bends, winds and loops all around itself without so much as a clear path or sign as to where we are supposed to travel. The moment we let ourselves fall into any type of security, that cloud, devil or whatever you wish to call this…thing, throws in as much effort as possible to take advantage of that security and shake it at its very foundation.

It’s very difficult to keep up as one day, I’m the most important person in her life and I am being the best supporter and provider that I can be, and the next day, I…well, let’s just stick with, I’m not. I do my absolute best to keep in mind that these rough patches are not her intentional attempts at hurting me. The problem is, everything she knows, that damn devil on her shoulder knows and he likes to hit me where it hurts, continuously.

Boundaries are destroyed, agreements and promises are broken and sometimes even faith is twisted because Bipolar Disorder loves to play against the rules of the relationship. I know my wife, the loving, caring and precious individual that she is, is still stuck somewhere in that disguise of pain, anger and resentment that this disorder places over her. The fact that the painful words and sadness that are said, are coming out in her beautiful voice, is what makes it that much more difficult to contend with.

Mental Health Social allows you to sign up with your own account and manage the information you wish to share with others and begin connecting with others on the site. Although the site seems to be in beta mode at the time of this writing, Colin offers a wide range of services and effective ways to reach out and make new connections with others involved or interested in the Mental Health arena. Here is a quick list of some of the main features that I’ve uncovered so far:

Blog: If you don’t already have your own blog and may wish to start writing within a community of those of similar interests and stories to share, when you sign up for your own account, you can contribute your own posts as part of the community blog that is offered. One thing to note here is that you are not receiving your own specific blog, but you will be considered a part of a collection of authors that may contribute a a single blog. [UPDATE: Colin wanted to offer up some info that bloggers can also link in their AdSense accounts and generate income for their efforts and that this option is now available to all users of Mental Health Social.]

Forums: Forums or discussion boards are a very effective way to start or participate in online discussions with other community members. Mental Health Social offers a fairly wide array of topics that seems to have an increasing number of participants. Reach out to others for answers or opinions on topics that interest you, or if you have something to say, join in on the conversation and let your voice be heard.

Groups: Narrow down your interests and find targeted individuals that you may wish to connect with. Join up with groups of others that share a unique interest and interact either by posting comments on that group’s “wall” or participate in the group’s separate forum. Can’t seem to find a group that may cover your specific interest? Create a new one and manage the group yourself and reach out to others.

Images/Videos: With your membership, you can upload pictures and videos that you may wish to share with other members of the community. You may upload your own video, based on specific guidelines requested by the site’s administration staff, or you can link out to an existing YouTube video you may already be aware of that you may wish to offer.

Unfortunately, the stigma that is typically associated with mental health issues can add stress and bring on unpleasant experiences from some of the other “mainstream” social networks. Colin’s Mental Health Social site offers a safe and supportive portal that allows its members to be themselves and share whatever they wish without the common concerns brought on by other networks. I signed up and I’m really enjoying the site so far, so come along, make some new friends and say hello!

Note: Although the FTC will force me to disclose any posts that I make which may benefit me on a monetary basis, I wish to make it known that Colin and Mental Health Social is NOT paying me for this post. As a mental health advocate and supporter of one living with Bipolar Disorder, I fully support Colin’s efforts in offering such a service.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is a severe anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to any event which results in psychological trauma. This event may involve the threat of death to oneself or to someone else, or to one’s own or someone else’s physical, sexual, or psychological integrity, overwhelming the individual’s ability to cope. -

It’s not uncommon for people to experience stress in their day to day lives either stemming from a long day at work, seasonal stress or others stressors that either push us to work harder, or slow us down for a limited amount of time. Were you reminded by the boss about that important, upcoming deadline and now have a little trouble sleeping? Maybe you found yourself in an altercation with a neighbor and now there is a little anxiety flowing when you’re taking the trash out. Stress is normal and some stress can actually help us out when we’re in a jam.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is much different. Unlike normal daily living stress, PTSD can bring on extremely intense stress levels that can almost become unbearable and do not go away on their own, or very quickly. Much like the individuality of those experiencing PTSD, the materialization and reasons behind such stresses can be a result of anything related to one’s past. Whether there has been physical or emotional trauma, no matter how intense, PTSD can stem from any event that cannot be managed easily.

Symptoms of PTSD can come about immediately after a traumatic event, or they can slowly appear years after an event. Generally, there are some common symptoms to keep an eye out for, such as:

• Flashbacks: Reliving the event or having recurring memories or disturbing mental images about the traumatic event itself, or other thoughts that may or may not have been experienced.
• Avoidance: Intentionally avoiding people, places or events that may trigger a reminder of the traumatic event.
• Emotional Withdrawal: Pulling away or emotionally disconnecting from others due to developing a different way of viewing the world based on the traumatic event. Disassociation and reservations become common in a way to mentally protect one’s self from perceived threats.
• Hyper-vigilance: Being on “edge”, irritable or in a constant state of cautiousness, especially in other stressful situations.

Although PTSD can be treated and managed with effective therapy or counseling, the fear or anxiety of having to rehash the traumatic event that had aided in developing the disorder prevents those affected from seeking out the therapy or following through with it. Over time, home-grown coping skills that may not necessarily be considered healthy, can pave a path of potentially harmful conditioned responses to other non-traumatic events.

Example: A woman that had been abused and repeatedly locked inside of a closet developed an isolated memory of smells, sounds and other environmental variables that later, when removed from the abusive environment, had a very difficult time coping with similar smells, sounds and other reminders of her abusive past. The ticking sound of a nearby clock would send her into a panic attack as, while locked in the closet, a wall clock next to the door was one of the only sounds she could hear.

How PTSD Affects Those Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar Disorder introduces its own set of challenges as far as mood stability and coping with irrational thoughts. When PTSD is also mixed in, there is another level of difficult added in with regards to coping and dealing with not only such events that may provoke reminders of a traumatic event, but those reminders may also transition into triggers that can send one into a nosedive of instability.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can be be treated successfully and during that treatment, one may be able to build on strengths and positive aspects of themselves that they never knew existed. Such opportunities may open up a whole new world of insight and abilities to deal with other stressful aspects of life. Learning such skills and abilities can absolutely spill over into how those living with Bipolar Disorder can also cope with other challenges and even minimize triggers and episodes if the source of traumatic stress is managed.

What Do you Think?
As always, I’m interested in what others think about the topics that I share here in TheBipolarSpouse.com. Although some of the subjects are difficult to read or talk about, we can only spread the education and support by sharing…so I ask you, what are your thoughts? Has PTSD been an issue for you or your loved ones and if so, how? What actions or ideas do you have that can help others in dealing with these challenges? Comment below and let me know what you think.

Those with strong will and determination can often muster up enough hidden strength to get though just about any challenge, no matter how painful or saddening the outcome of those challenges are. Some relationships end the second there is a hint at difficulty, others fade away when the trust and sanctity of the relationship is touched by infidelity or other extreme cases.

Regular readers of the site here may have noticed that my writing activity has decreased considerably over the past few weeks. After much focus and healing time, I decided it was time to come back to my passion of writing and share some of the most difficult aspects that have occurred recently in order to fulfill my wish to help and inform others. Although the past few weeks has been the most difficult time of my life as it pertains to my relationship, it has been indeed an eye-opening experience and the most I learn, the more value I can provide to others.

The Downward Spiral
Our relationship roller coaster started to hit an unexpected corkscrew when my wife had decided to attempt to reach out to her sisters, after not speaking to them for over two years. Although for some time I had supported the idea of her reconnecting and hopefully resolving the past challenges they had all had among each other, I was skeptical as the anger she still carried during those two years had resurfaced the moment her opportunity for contact with them came about.

Overall, there was an increasing amount of rage and anger that had been growing inside of her for the past few months, but aside from some difficult days and slight depression, it wasn’t anything critical and she was still very functional. The day after she met with her sisters, her well-being had taken a pretty rough turn and felt betrayed although she had hope that things could change for the better. She swore them off again and mentioned that she didn’t want them back in her life and told me that she didn’t want the kids involved whatsoever based on the outcome of their meeting. I supported her decision and we pretty much left it at that.

The next day, I came home from work and all of the kids were home except for my oldest. My wife was sitting in the den playing on the computer and I finally asked where our daughter was, and she responded that she was with one of her sisters. Based on what she had told me the previous night, my understanding was that she didn’t want the kids involved whatsoever and that was the end of the sister opportunity. I got upset as it seems that she decided to change her mind without informing me and after her report on her meeting with her sisters and some of the things they told my wife, I was really not all that supportive of the reintegration either.

I voiced my frustration with how my wife handled this by not keeping me in the loop as these are my children as well, and unfortunately, the anger and rage that my wife had been fighting recently decided to come out at this time. We ended up engaging in a verbal argument and although I am not going to say that I was the perfect angel, my wife did end up losing control and physically attacked me in front of the other three children. My son was affected most of all and all I could see was him screaming, sitting on the couch in a fetal position yelling at my wife to stop hitting me. She finally stopped and drove off to her sister’s to get our daughter.

As I consoled the children, she came with back our oldest daughter, whom of which was already visibly shaken up. We ended up calling it an early night and finally got everybody calmed down enough to relax and go to bed.

The next day, I went to work early only to leave early to go talk to my father as to gain some perspective from him. I stayed there for a few hours and decided to try to get home about the same time the kids got home from school in case my wife was still out of sorts. I got home soon after the children did and could tell that my wife was still very upset and she was not stable enough to have a civilized conversation just yet. We both traded comments back and forth and although it wasn’t the best way for me to handle it, I am still human as well and my feelings can indeed be hurt.

I went outside to watch the kids play with their roller skates in the driveway and my wife decided to make some appearances outside with us, but again, the rage was still boiling and there were no pleasant interactions at all. I went back inside as I had received a phone call from a client and finished that up in the den. My wife was still angry and the comments were still going back and forth and I finally had enough and told her that I was done with everything and that it wasn’t healthy and I wasn’t happy whatsoever in her ways of attacking me emotionally and physically as this wasn’t the only time it had happened.

When I told her this and as angry as I had become, she essentially lost it all over again and while screaming at the top of her lungs, (I can’t even say what she was saying at the time) she threw her cell phone directly at my chest, which connected in the sternum and then lunged at me, screaming, kicking, pushing and slapping me. I did manage to stop her at one point and warned her that if she did not stop and calm down, I was going to call the police.

After I said this, she did indeed attack again and after several smacks on the arms and my back, I grabbed my phone and went to the bedroom calling 911. As I closed and locked the bedroom door, she picked up and threw our dog’s cage at me while still yelling.

After about ten minutes on the phone with dispatch, the police showed up and instructed me to come out of the bedroom. My wife was still very visibly upset, verbally fighting with the police as they instructed her to calm down and told me to wrangle up the kids and put them in their room for a bit. I informed dispatch that my wife suffered from bipolar disorder and was going though a major hypomanic episode; which the on-site officers asked her if she was on her meds to make sure that was not an issue.

After taking me to the den and viewing the results of the physical attack from the marks on my back, they instructed me that they needed to arrest her and take her to jail for the evening. Again, I got the kids out of sight as they removed my wife from the home and they placed the handcuffs on her and took her in. It took me about an hour to collect myself after my father showed up to help out with the kids as I was in no condition to take care of all four at the time. We talked for a bit before going to his house so the kids could stay over for the night and I ended up going back home to be alone and think. I was not aware of what my wife was going through and also wanted to be close to home in case she was released or was allowed to keep in contact with me.

She did spend the night in jail and I had hoped that this was going to be a true eye opener for her on how the results of the recent decisions would affect not only herself, but the kids and those around her.

Go ahead…I’ll wait…

Do you think of these terms as a suitable label to place on a fellow human being? If you have never been introduced to the terms in such a way where you live with the disorder either directly or by association, do you feel it is acceptable to use such phrases as, “I know this bipolar chick…” or “That dude must be bipolar!”?

What about if you engage in conversation with one afflicted with the disorder and they are working as hard as they possibly can to recover from and live a comfortable and stable life with the disorder? Are you willing to tell them that you’re glad that they’re working on their “illness”, and trying to get “healthy”?

If so, go back to the drawing board and re-familiarize yourself a little more about compassion and respect.

Bipolar Disorder is NOT an Identity
Our loved ones may have been dealt a difficult hand in life, but it’s so very critically important that we refrain from placing the disorder before the individual. In other words, when I discuss the challenges that my wife and I push through in our own relationship, I exercise the respect due to her in explaining to people that my wife is not bipolar…rather, she has bipolar and make sure that her identity is not jaded as such where people see her as a disorder first, and a human being second.

I’ve been painfully honest on this blog about some of the major challenges my wife and I have experienced together that have been attributed to the disorder and yes, I’ll be the first to say that I’ve been hurt on more than one occasion…I am human, after all and there are emotions in here somewhere. However, I’m also not one to play judge, jury and executioner against my wife based on those challenges as her true identity is not the same as when the bumps in the road played out.

Typically, when the dust has settled from a bipolar driven episode, our loved ones can realize what had happened and express remorse, guilt and of course, sadness that they have potentially hurt themselves and/or others. Again, bipolar disorder plays some horrible mind games but we simply cannot label the individual as the disorder itself. Remember that some of the most extreme episodes can blur, if not completely hide, reality or consequence to our loved ones but in no way is that their fault as who the hell would ask for these types of challenges??

Much like any relationship, mutual respect is key in order for the relationship to be successful in any light whatsoever. Those touched by bipolar disorder may already be dealing with some hidden demons as it is and it’s not very loving or helpful to shine the spotlight on the disorder rather than the individual. Useful support is fine and can make a world of difference, but please take the time to know the humanity of the person and stop feeding the stigma that we fight everyday already.

The last thing I want to take away from anybody is their individuality nor am I one to challenge their ability to cope with such emotional issues as I myself have dealt with fairly intense bouts of anxiety throughout my own existence. My own wife seems to battle more with her GAD attacks than she does her bipolar driven episodes, which bleed into the relationship and cause great stress for us.

I’m not here to define the true differences between fear and anxiety as there is debate over where the line is crossed between these emotions. My own experience with anxiety attacks are based on those situations where the result is unknown, versus otherwise and sometimes when my wife experiences such an attack, it can be difficult for me to offer the best line of support possible due to the misunderstandings that may be presented.

From what I can gather, anxiety itself is an extremely intense emotion that can blur the lines of reality by itself, however, anxiety can transform itself into a “secondary” emotion that can act as a reflection of another emotion. Let me explain…when Bipolar Disorder is involved, there can be traumatic situations that have been rooted into the relationship, whether that be a result of intense hypomanic/manic outbursts and attacks, hypersexuality driven infidelity or any other challenges brought up. In my wife’s case, some of the challenges we have experienced bring her some heavy feelings of guilt (primary emotion), which can induce an equal or even more intense feeling of anxiety (secondary emotion).

The anxiety kicks in as a reflection of the primary emotion in such that the guilt she may be feeling is jaded by whatever concern she is dealing with at the time. In our discussions, she describes this to me as, an escape of her own feelings of guilt toward herself so that she can focus her anxieties on me or whatever topic she chooses. This tends to absolve the pain and discomfort that she has in dealing with her own issues and gives her a path to deal with them by focusing on something else.

To offer some insight as to what I’m trying to describe, I’ll dig into some of the issues that we have identified as her most common areas of anxiety that we deal with in the relationship. Then I’ll go into each with some examples where I have tied in her feelings of guilt, and turn those into anxiety issues that touch the both of us.

• Intimacy
• Finances
• Personal History
• Lack of Self Worth
• External Relationships

Intimacy
Due the fact that we have four children, it would seem that intimacy would never be a topic of concern, however, intimacy generates some very intense anxiety. Her past includes some traumatic events that have now resurfaced within our relationship and creates a barrier for her in allowing herself to be close in most cases. She has great anxiety of me hurting her emotionally as she has dealt with such pains in her youth and blames herself for this. This introduces a level of guilt, as she blames herself for some of those past events, but her GAD will include a strong sense of anxiety that forces her to continuously worry about when she will be hurt next.

Finances
We had experienced a number of financial setbacks as a result of some occasional hypomanic driven spending sprees that even I was unable to put a stop to. I was put into a position where I thought I was helping by not fighting those decisions so I take responsibility for these issues as well. As a result, if there are any purchases that are either expected or unexpected, she will grow anxious of the though of letting go of the funds and spiral off into concerns about us losing our income or the feeling of never being able to get ahead.

Personal History
Based on my wife’s history, there are many times where we either do not see eye-to-eye on how we were both raised so very differently or we found or way via very different moral compasses. Unfortunately, my wife was typically shielded from having a social life and was not very well developed in such skills. My past included an active social life and I had a strong support system of friends and acquaintances that I had built over the years. The ability to interact with others is a weakness my wife has had to deal with and even today, causes her great stress. Although it was out of her control, she developed anxiety over my own personal history with thoughts that I will run off to relive that past.

Lack of Self Worth
Related to her own personal history, her self-esteem is extremely low and this will generate intense feelings of low self-worth and appreciation. Again, she blames herself for many of the experiences she has encountered that has aided in these feelings and that guilt spurs into anxiety toward me that I will abandon her based on her feelings of not being, “good enough” for me.

External Relationships
The combination of the other areas covered also prevent her from building and experiencing successful relationships outside of our marriage. With as much negativity that has been experienced and other anxieties that get in her way, she is unable to accept others and allow them to become close to her whatsoever. As like the other topics, this supports her own anxiety to where she feels that she will never be accepted and any relationships she did have, have been severed with the thought that she is “allowed” to have anybody else but me.

Anxiety over any given topic by itself is more than likely an emotion that can be dealt with by pushing though the issues that drive the anxiety itself. I had a ton of anxiety just starting up this site and once I did it and started receiving such positive feedback and interaction, I laughed at myself for even being concerned about it. However, when anxiety picks its partner and becomes the secondary emotion, it can become a devastating power that can introduce some challenges that seem impossible to get around. It may feel like you’re playing a broken record, but recurring work on getting through these challenges can offer a huge payoff to the relationship in order to reinforce trust and other positives needed to succeed.

What issues bring up such anxieties in your own relationships or otherwise, and how do you deal with them?

Offering gifts to our friends and loved ones is aimed to not only show them that we care and illustrate how special they are to us, it also gives us a wonderful opportunity to take time away from our stresses and show our compassionate side in knowing that we have enhanced the lives of those that we love.

Although these moments are the climactic result of our labors, we all too quickly sweep anything under the rug that may interfere with such a euphoric state. These emotions of closeness and love offer a pay off to such hard work during times of preparation, yet we must still maintain a level of respect to those of us that are managing such challenges as Bipolar Disorder within our lives.

The beginning of the holiday season may introduce stress to many people around the world, and this is to be an expectation. Planning for visits if family or friends are coming in or we are going to visit them, planning events or dinners, making arrangements for such gatherings and worrying about every little detail. When it comes to the later portion of the season, there are challenges brought on about purhcasing gifts and other related to-do’s that are on the seemingly never-ending list.

When these stressful times are mixed in with bipolar disorder, we much take special care in respecting the high amounts of stress that may be present and attempt to put together a plan of attack that will help us, as supporters, to help our loved ones battle potentially trigger-inducing work loads. There may sometimes be a connection between bipolar disorder and similar symptoms that are presented with Seasonal Anxiety Disorder(SAD), that may come into play that can truly affect the overall holiday season environment for those involved.

Many people suffering from bipolar disorder attempt to “hide” their battles and blend in as best as possible as to not affect others, especially when this time of year is to be joyful and pleasant for all. Unfortunately, this facade may only lead to a higher chance of triggering an episode if plans are not totally met to expectations. The stresses of “fitting in” or meeting the standards of others can be very difficult, especially if our loved one is already in a depressive cycle, which again, is common during the winter season.

As we get closer to the events of the holidays, stress rises and we must keep an eye open for those bumps in the road that may push our loved one into a potential danger zone. Work together as keep the lines of communication open as much as possible as to gauge the stress levels and also work on a plan of including a safety net; keep on guard for opportunities to step in and act as a tag-team on the stressful tasks. When levels are getting too high, know when to step in and provide a safe haven for your loved one as to relieve some built-up pressure.

Keep the holidays as stress free as possible and really stay in tune with your loved ones as to keep as much stability around as possible. Sure, we can’t plan for or prevent every negative issue from happening, but we can keep close together and offer as much of a cushion as we can to get through the ups and the down that can come along during the holiday season.