First off, especially if you are new to the world of Bipolar Disorder, there is a nickname tied to the disorder in the relationship arena; “The Relationship Killer”.  I personally hate to consider Bipolar Disorder as a deciding factor in anything because that only feeds the stigma that the illness is what drives the individual, then the individual becomes the disorder, and that’s where the labeling continues to strive.

Intrusive thoughts can be brutal, but they are normal when they are mild and non-violent, of course.  While sitting at the office, I sometimes wonder what it would be like to fire my computer through the window and see what BMW or Lexus it hits, but that mainly occurs when I’m having a hard day at the office.  Such thoughts go away just as fast as they come and there is no harm done; aside from a little evil grin and a chuckle.

Coupled with Bipolar Disorder or other mental health challenges as such, intrusive thoughts can penetrate deep into the realm of belief and can begin to actually skew reality.  What’s worse is when those thoughts tack themselves onto past history, which may include pre-existing difficult memories or thoughts, which can introduce a double-whammy of sorts in creating expectations of what may have happened linked to what did happen that may have caused pain in grief in the past.

Case in Point
When your own history includes such negative connotations including mental abuse and abandonment, these horrific events that may have been recurring, become normal.  This materializes into expectations and anything other than such negative results are questioned and not easy to accept.

In our years together, my wife still has reservations on truly believing whether or not my love for her is sincere.  She also “walks on eggshells” wondering and waiting for the time to come when I will give up and walk out the door for good.  She battles with intrusive thoughts that tell her that I outright hate her, I have never been happy with her and that I have never loved her regardless of our history together.

Her expectations kick in alongside the intrusive thoughts and I am practically painted into a corner where no matter how many affirmations, comforting talks or attempts at solidifying her security in me are stopped in their tracks.

Watching her struggle through these battles are what makes it so very difficult for me.  I can look her dead in the eyes and tell her how I feel about her, but I can watch her mind tell her that I’m lying to her.  Her mind plays these games on her and tells her over and over that she has destroyed me, those around her and eventually, herself and so she has built the expectation that she will lose me and everything that is important to her.

Other times, she can actually stave off these thoughts on her own, albeit for a limited time, but she *knows* that the intrusive thoughts are not real.  There are those little things that come up that I do that can totally wipe away the negative beliefs, which are hard because I don’t even know what I did to help so much at times!  Sometimes, when I try extremely hard to help her fight these thoughts, my intention is to help, but I end up doing more harm than good, so as you can see, dealing with the intrusive thoughts is a double-edged sword.

Unfortunately, remapping mind programs isn’t as easy as we’d like it to be.  Sure, we can employ self-talk and develop coping skills, but at the end of the day, change is hard.  All I can do is ask my wife what I can do to help and listen when she asks for it.  Many of the things that she needs can be a bit difficult to comprehend but, those things are for her, not me and it’s my desire, even when I slip myself, to help in however I can.

What Say You?
How can people effectively communicate in ensuring that the intrusive or irrational thoughts are not true, nor are they to be fed by paying them any attention that can damage the relationship or the individual?

Unfortunately, as it’s very well known, there are some people that are either unable, or unwilling to reach out due to a number of reasons. After some power discussions with those that did reach out, I asked if they would mind if I shared some of the information on the site in case there are others looking for some similar insight. That being said, most did agree and so hopefully this post will find its way to others that may really be able to use the information.

To lightly touch on the main topic for those that did not read the related article, many people, touched by bipolar disorder or not, may possess some kind of abandonment anxiety. This includes a great sense of uncertainty as to whether someone that is close to them will simply leave them for whatever reason. Again, this is a very pressing issue that my wife and I battle quite a bit, but we are winning that battle day by day.

Let’s cover the questions that have been raised:

Given the difficulties that bipolar disorder can bring to a marriage (or any relationship), why do you stay in such a situation?

In its purest form€¦true love. Regardless of what ugliness the disorder brings to the marriage/relationship, the love is there, from both sides. I am able to see through the episodes and the mood shifts when they occur and remember who she really is and that is the person I am in love with. Not to say that I reject any part of her, after all, the disorder will always be with us, yet when she does hit a point of instability and irrationality, I know who€™s going to be standing there waiting for me when the dust clears and I€™m not willing to leave or give up on that love.

How are you able to remain patient with not only the bad episodes, but with the fact that the cycle is ongoing?

I€™ve always been a patient individual, I remember a commercial from my time as a child that had a tag line of €œGood Things Come to Those Who Wait.€ And I truly believe that. I also know that this disorder masks who my wife really is and if I were to give up based on what that mask looks like, I€™d be doing myself a great disservice to leave such a beautiful person, and I€™d be giving up on her based on a lie that the disorder has shown us. We have been able to identify many of her triggers over the years and I have been able to tune myself into her cycles enough to where I can “see” the beginning of a new cycle before she even know it’s happening. By working together in such a fashion, we are able to have enough time to pro-actively prepare the swing and ease the pain brought on by these cycles.

What is it that you do to help your own wife get through the anxiety of abandonment?

Communication is truly the key to making relationships “work”. Some of her anxieties come from a long line of negative past experiences and beliefs that have been placed upon her from others that have hurt her. Others come from a feeling of shame over some of the pain the disorder has caused me, personally. Based on her past and fear of my doing something in a form of retaliation of my own pain is a driving force in her anxiety over the possibility of me abandoning her. Before, during and after she experiences a panic attack, I place all focus on her to make sure she knows that I’m right there with her. If she’s panicking over me leaving her, the worst thing I could do to her is get up and leave her alone to stew in those negative thoughts. I physically let her know that I am right there beside her until she calms down, and then I truly listen to her when she is able to talk. Once she’s let everything out, and if she asks for me to do so, I give her my feedback and flood her with affirmations that I’m not leaving and have no desire to do so.

Why subject yourself to this kind of torture?

Unfortunately, I have seen this question asked in the mental health arena and have received this particular question many times from people on both sides of the fence. My simple answer to this is, because I choose to do so based on the love I have for my wife. The disorder is a part of my wife, and with true love, you choose to accept everything about that person, even the faults such as bipolar disorder. After all, nobody asks for this disorder, but since the illness is a part of her, it is now a part of me. I love myself enough to handle it and I love her more than enough to accept everything about her and do whatever it takes to fight this illness with her.

Supporting and being there for my wife through these challenges have now become easy for me as I have taken the time and patience to become an expert on her. True, I will never know everything about her past and the little secrets that we all keep to add that touch of mystery, but she has been able to share what she is comfortable with to me so I can learn about her enough to where I now know her own cycle better than she does and can catch her before she slips away.