While building and maintaining trust and strong communication within the relationship, we must place ourselves (the supporters) into a position where our loved ones can find true comfort in relaying their feelings and thoughts with us when it is most needed. David, which I agree with wholeheartedly, pushes that we must be well in tune with our loved ones to *know* when they are going through a bipolar related challenge, or if they are simply having a bad day. Too many times, people will just assume that when one is living with bipolar disorder, that they are not allowed to have a bad day here and there and every issue is related to the disorder.

Honesty and open communication goes both ways in any relationship, and I’ve pushed that many times here on TheBipolarSpouse.com not as a way to just remind people of using common sense, as most know how important communication is. However, at the same time, we do need to be reminded that even the small things can make a world of difference, and as difficult as it may be to manage a bipolar relationship, even the most basic tools of being open and honest can be forgotten at the most inopportune times.

Unfortunately, the stigma that comes with bipolar disorder will oftentimes ‘scare’ our loved ones into really opening up whether that be due to a fear of being labeled as crazy, others not offering a respectable chance to be themselves or being threatened with time in the hospital if the episode, or non-bipolar related issue is even brought to light. As our loved one’s supporter, it is indeed our job to instill that feeling of trust in the relationship so that when issues do arise, they know that they can talk and open up to us without repercussions or judging assumptions.

Although I haven’t gone through the entire site, just about any article I have read from David contains intense value and useful information. I highly recommend that you add his “Bipolar Supporter Blog” to your bookmarks and resources.

Even when my own wife asks me how I manage to deal with those challenges, the words can sometimes escape me on how I see certain events progress throughout an episode or the unrelated day-to-day. Also, as mentioned in previous posts, we also live with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) that seems to be more prominent in the relationship but can supplement and trigger many cycles as well. So it’s a bit difficult to illustrate the cycles and how they affect me as a supporter without showing some kind of visual that can demonstrate a bit better.

I put together the above “Bipolar Rapid Cycling Support Chart” to offer a bit of an illustration on how I viewed the better part of last month, which happened to include some birthdays and Christmas, which can definitely play a part in how cycles are directed. The blue line represents how I viewed my wife’s moods throughout the month and the red line represents my own moods while trying to play the role as a supporter. As seen, my own moods aren’t as as responsive yet I also find it a bit more difficult to recover between cycles as I’m not quite sure which way the moods will swing at the next turn.

To drill in a bit deeper, when she shifts within a matter of hours, it will take up sometimes a full day or two to catch up as I attempt to stabilize my own moods to keep things neutral enough to prepare for the next swing. At the same time, and maybe not the best way to handle such a routine, I also try to tune myself in to her moods and stay close to her. Sure, it does affect my own moods throughout the process but to be perfectly honest, the moods do affect me and I can’t expect to be happy every single day myself as I’ll say again, the role of the supporter is not an easy part to play.

]]> http://thebipolarspouse.com/2010/01/24/supporting-bipolar-rapid-cycling/feed/ 7 http://thebipolarspouse.com/2010/01/04/being-there-when-nobody-else-is/ http://thebipolarspouse.com/2010/01/04/being-there-when-nobody-else-is/#comments Mon, 04 Jan 2010 13:23:48 +0000 Rich Wallace http://thebipolarspouse.com/?p=920 There are many challenges that come along with a bipolar relationship including the unfortunate result of those afflicted with the disorder finding it difficult to build or maintain an effective support system. There are people that are strong enough to offer enough support but choose not to understand why someone with bipolar disorder runs into issues that may not seem “normal” and are scared off, or there are others that are simply unwilling to put forth the effort to provide a little compassion to another human being when times get tough.

I’ve witnessed first hand, how my wife’s affliction with bipolar disorder can make others become extremely cautious or simply ignore her altogether under the impression that she’s not normal enough to receive their support, compassion and friendship. Not only that, we have experienced such challenges where even family members choose to attack and abandon her over a condition that she never asked for and although she is ashamed of dealing with the disorder, seeks to improve her own life and receive as much help as possible.

As I’ve experienced myself, it’s much easier to pass judgment, label another individual and walk away from such a challenge as accepting a mental disorder in one’s life than it is to move away from the stigma and conditioning that society goes through telling us that those that are not “normal like us”, are a lost cause and are nothing but trouble. Due to such a mentality, those suffering and being abandoned, even if screaming out for help, are all too easily written off and left to fend for themselves without a reliable net to fall into when needed.

Something ugly happens when someone is abandoned or rejected over and over again…they get used to it and soon, learn to expect nothing else. When it comes to the hardships that bipolar driven episodes and high or lows can being to the table for those dealing with them, loneliness becomes a person’s worst enemy and can also introduce some very dangerous opportunities. Those feelings of rejection and being “outcast” can start to be rehashed and intensified resulting in damaging results to one’s self-esteem and self-worth.

From the supporter’s perspective, these types of issues can take a major toll on the emotional side of life as due in part to assisting in managing the triggers, outbursts, episodes and unexpected shifts in cycles seems to be solely aimed at the supporter, and the responsibility of being the lone one there for our loved ones can also become extremely difficult. Although the last thing we want to advertise is that our loved one is a burden to us, the task of being the lone supporter can bring on its own challenges and confusions.

Being my wife’s sole supporter means that when the hardships hit, she only has one immediate path to support, outside of calling her therapist, psychiatrist or the local hospital. Unfortunately, since I work outside of the home and I’m not exactly a stone’s throw away from the house, there is always going to be a critical patch of time where she is alone between the time she calls me for help and when I walk through the front door. Also from the supporting side of the fence, this adds even more stress to know that it is not an option for someone else to go to the plate when an emergency hits.

The commitment I’ve offered to my wife is to be there for her through thick and thin and in sickness and in health and I take my role and responsibilities to her extremely seriously. True, I am not a machine and eventually, the battles can indeed wear me out at times but it is during those times that I must keep in mind that whatever I am going through, the duress that she is going through is only multiplied, ten-fold. When it comes to love, whether we are talking about family love, spousal love or love for a friend, being there is the most important task we can perform for those counting on us because, as unfortunate as it is, too many others choose to be somewhere else.

Offering gifts to our friends and loved ones is aimed to not only show them that we care and illustrate how special they are to us, it also gives us a wonderful opportunity to take time away from our stresses and show our compassionate side in knowing that we have enhanced the lives of those that we love.

Although these moments are the climactic result of our labors, we all too quickly sweep anything under the rug that may interfere with such a euphoric state. These emotions of closeness and love offer a pay off to such hard work during times of preparation, yet we must still maintain a level of respect to those of us that are managing such challenges as Bipolar Disorder within our lives.

The beginning of the holiday season may introduce stress to many people around the world, and this is to be an expectation. Planning for visits if family or friends are coming in or we are going to visit them, planning events or dinners, making arrangements for such gatherings and worrying about every little detail. When it comes to the later portion of the season, there are challenges brought on about purhcasing gifts and other related to-do’s that are on the seemingly never-ending list.

When these stressful times are mixed in with bipolar disorder, we much take special care in respecting the high amounts of stress that may be present and attempt to put together a plan of attack that will help us, as supporters, to help our loved ones battle potentially trigger-inducing work loads. There may sometimes be a connection between bipolar disorder and similar symptoms that are presented with Seasonal Anxiety Disorder(SAD), that may come into play that can truly affect the overall holiday season environment for those involved.

Many people suffering from bipolar disorder attempt to “hide” their battles and blend in as best as possible as to not affect others, especially when this time of year is to be joyful and pleasant for all. Unfortunately, this facade may only lead to a higher chance of triggering an episode if plans are not totally met to expectations. The stresses of “fitting in” or meeting the standards of others can be very difficult, especially if our loved one is already in a depressive cycle, which again, is common during the winter season.

As we get closer to the events of the holidays, stress rises and we must keep an eye open for those bumps in the road that may push our loved one into a potential danger zone. Work together as keep the lines of communication open as much as possible as to gauge the stress levels and also work on a plan of including a safety net; keep on guard for opportunities to step in and act as a tag-team on the stressful tasks. When levels are getting too high, know when to step in and provide a safe haven for your loved one as to relieve some built-up pressure.

Keep the holidays as stress free as possible and really stay in tune with your loved ones as to keep as much stability around as possible. Sure, we can’t plan for or prevent every negative issue from happening, but we can keep close together and offer as much of a cushion as we can to get through the ups and the down that can come along during the holiday season.

As much as I try to keep my topics and posts here on the site timeless and as applicable to many situations as possible, I felt that I needed to offer an explanation to those following the site as to why I went on a sudden hiatus; while at the same time, offer some insight on a very powerful scenario that many are challenged with while in a bipolar relationship. After all, without real-world experience to offer, what good are my offerings?

Playing the role of the bipolar supporter within such a relationship offers many of its own challenges that require one to make either some difficult decisions, or attempt to help keep stability by allowing some “bending” of expectations that may not typically be quite as flexible. Unfortunately, where there is an attempt to make things easier, there may also be a hidden consequence of others areas becoming much more difficult or even invite new challenges that were never expected.

Although my wife would in some cases label me as, “strict but fair” or “unmovable” in my thinking or life management, even I succumb to letting certain things slide where if in any other situation, I would squash in a heartbeat. Case in point, as loyal visitors and readers may have noticed, the site played a disappearing act for just under a month, without any warning as to its falling off the face of the Earth.

There was a point where the writings shared on the site was reaching an overwhelmingly broad range of attention. The ideas and offerings were expanding out to a level where the site saw on average, 200 new visitors a day, and I was building a stronger feeling of community stemming from those participating in comments, emails and tweets. The dream I had of being able to help others was slowly but surely becoming a true reality.

As bipolar disorder will do, the time to play a horrible mind game against my wife came during what was to be a time of reflection and positivity. When the episode hit, the shock wave that resulted drove me to make the decision to bow out of just about everything I was doing with TheBipolarSpouse.com project. The site came down, Twitter was deleted, Facebook was deactivated and that was the end of everything my wife and I had worked on as it related to the site.

When we talk about those suffering from bipolar disorder, either from being directly afflicted or those sitting on the sidelines, it’s crucial that we respect the fact that this disorder does indeed affect us all. Although the episodes can deliver intense bouts of irrationality, the heat of the moment allows us, all of us, to view the slightest bit of truth and simply run with it, even if that perceived truth is the most irrational point of the entire episode.

As my wife’s supporter, I have identified my own “process” of crisis management that, during the time of making the executive decision, I sometimes end up becoming irrational myself in attempting to attack the situation with a bit of reverse psychology, if you will. My first priority is to essentially do whatever it takes to diffuse the issue as fast as humanly possibly, even if that jeopardizes my own need to be true to myself. I become machine-like and remove my emotions from the situation and focus only on my wife and whatever steps I feel that I need to take to help her find stability.

My traits of being “strict” or “unmovable” also go right out the window and when the heat finally blows over, we’ve both realized that all I’ve truly done is enabled my wife to not only let her own irrationalities to take over, but I also allow them to move me enough to go against my own character…just to feel like I’ve lost the battle myself. Only after I’ve made the drastic decisions to walk away from my own desires and beliefs do I realize what has happened (since my priority was to ensure my wife is comfortable and stable again), and I’m left to lick my own wounds and see the consequences in hind-sight.

All the while, the true…rational thoughts that my wife had the entire time was that the project never actually be affected, although the episode did force her to attack it, and I now work to rebuild the fallen and cracked foundation that we had worked on so hard to build up in the first place. Along with not only the technical and structural rebuilding of the site, I now struggle with rebuilding the integrity and reliability that I had worked on to provide for the site’s loyalists and to those that I am wishing to help.

Twofold, this post is to serve as firstly, an explanation and apology to those that have stuck with me since day one and, also to illustrate that the power of bipolar irrationality can truly break through just about any line of defense. Perhaps another take-away would be to ensure that we, as supporters and sufferers alike, ground our beliefs and think twice before we end up not being true to ourselves.

Based on not only some of the questions that I have been asked pertaining to my own situation, but also on some of the topics that I have come across, here is a list of some of those situations that I have experienced myself in my relationship that has done more damage than healing:

1. Ignore Suicidal Behavior or Tendencies
   Although this should go without saying, it’s the most important mistake we can make in managing a bipolar relationship. Thoughts or statements expressing the consideration of committing suicide are NOT to be ignored and we must make conscious decisions on how to handle these challenges. Keep in mind, during the peak of either end of the bipolar spectrum, our loved one may lose all touch with reality, even when it comes to stopping themselves from acting out potentially life threatening behavior. Without a sense of reality, the final consequence of suicide itself may not even be realized during such an episode.
2. Fight Back Over Irrational Arguments
   When the bipolar cycle shifts into a manic/hypomanic or depressive state, the mood and mindset of our loved on may slip into a very irrational state and the basic sense of reality may also deteriorate. Such arguments may arise that include topics or concerns that are normally not a concern or a threat and there may be no indication as to why the topic has been brought up at all. Choosing to fight back on such topics can be damaging to both parties and can enable our bipolar spouse to view such topics as a true threat and may inhibit some intense reactions and dangerous results if not resolved as soon as possible.
3. Blame Your Loved One for the Disorder
   Bipolar disorder is developed over time and may generally be handed down genetically from the family tree. Those afflicted with the disorder never ask to be affected, nor have they chosen to host the disorder so it is not fair to simply place blame for the disorder on our loved one and how it affects the relationship. Given the progressive appearance of the relationship, younger individuals may witness the slow appearance of the disorder over time and make false assumptions that the changes are planned out by the afflicted individual. This is not the case and blaming our loved one for allowing the disorder to hurt the relationship is simply not fair to the individual.
4. Enable Abusive Behavior and Disrespect
   There is a fine line between “acceptance” and “abuse” and unfortunately, even our bipolar loved ones can learn to cross this line during an episode if supporters are not willing to place an appropriate amount of accountability into the relationship. There are indeed occasions where our loved ones may make some irrational decisions and lash out without merit, but if we do not make it known that there is a line that must not be crossed, we as supporters can quickly being to advertise that we are willing to take any amount of such factors without much consequence. Although the disorder can push our loved ones over the edge, we must still maintain respect and love in the relationship.
5. Digging Up Old Bones
   Bringing up the past can trigger off some intensive anxiety which may induce an expected episode and introduce either old arguments, or previously resolved tensions. Elsewhere on the site, I posted about respecting personal history and although an important key in managing a bipolar relationship, this point is easily forgotten about and tripped over. Rehashing past mistakes or events can repaint an image that was once forgotten, and during an full-blown episode, that past may become the present again.
6. Pass Judgment on Irrational Behavior
   Along the lines of placing accountability, we must keep in mind that bipolar disorder’s most common symptom involves driving the afflicted individual to act out on irrational decisions and present very ordinary behavior. Although some of these decisions can be managed, mistakes can be made and if we are willing to forgive and/or forget, this must be an all-or-nothing agreement. Mistakes are just that, mistakes…and they must be become an identifying factor of our loved ones.
7. Support or Offer Self-Medication
   Oftentimes, unprescribed medication, alcohol or illegal drugs are considered as a “way-out” of an episode. Such paths of destruction can offer what seems to be a temporary relief of the difficulties brought on by such bipolar issues but this relief is indeed temporary, and with constant usage, can introduce other challenges such as addiction or alcoholism. Disregard any considerations of using such substances or beverages as home based medicines and ensure your loved one is in regular contact with their medical professionals.
8. Use Physical Restraint or Violence
   During some manic/hypomanic episodes, frustrations and outright anger may ensue during an outburst or argument. Unless there is a threat to human life, it is imperative that physical restraint or violence is not introduced into the situation (unless performed by a paramedic or other trained professional requiring restraint). Confining or restraining one during an episode may result in firing a trigger which may make the episode ever worse.
9. Leave Loved One Alone During Episode
   The worst time for our loved ones to be alone is during the high or low end of an episode. In some cases, when left alone due to a walk-out after a fight, abandonment anxiety may set in and spur feelings of worthlessness and a feeling of being unloved. It is during these times that irrationality may take over and dangerous decisions and actions may be made that could potentially be life-threatening. Offering space is fine, so long as we are in the general vicinity (i.e.: remain at home if our loved one has decided to stay in bed while battling the episode) and maintaining light communication or monitoring to ensure safety.
10. Making Condescending Statements
    Such remarks that may appear insulting or condescending in nature can only add to the challenges of a bipolar relationship. Some examples of these remarks are:

“Snap out of it.”
“Stop feeling sorry for yourself.”
“So you’re depressed. Aren’t you always?”
“It’s your own fault.”
“You do this on purpose.”

Worst of all, do not say, “I know how you feel…”

Managing a bipolar relationship is challenging by itself, without adding more stress to the parties involved. Although not to be seen as “helpless”, bipolar disorder can push our loved ones over the edge and sometimes will require tender loving care in order to regain some stability. When episodes strike, we must take extra care as to truly support our loved ones with logical and rational strategy and responsibility. Remember that although the supporters are the first line of defense and will take the heaviest onslaught, we must not make the situation worse by making these mistakes; think first and remember that our loved ones are still there.

To clarify my own transformation, I must share the ugly past of who I was prior to my own awakening.

Where I Came From
The progressive appearance of bipolar disorder in my life, via my wife’s affliction, was truly a confusing and annoying challenge for me. There were increasing fights over issues that I simply didn’t see as meaningful and could never understand why such issues arose to begin with. Irrationality was prominent and myself, being a logical yet laid back individual, was not willing to entertain such topics that did not seem important to me, and even more so, if it was something that just didn’t seem normal or logical in anyway whatsoever.

When the hypomanic episodes started coming around, I selfishly took full advantage of them whenever I could. My wife is in line to take the crown as queen of clean and so when she would slip into these mini-mania cycles, I would sit back and watch her clean everything from top to bottom and be proud of the result, never paying her any attention or respect to her condition as to notice that this wasn’t really safe for her. The sexual benefits were in abundance due to the hypomanic cycles as well, and again, I took full advantage in our younger days and the physical satisfactions were always met…at my own disposal, unwilling to focus on her own needs and desires.

Depression kicked in and during the irrational fights and comments, I simply walked away and just let her stew in her own sadness, abandoning the situation and selfishly ignoring her only to allow myself to ignore the real issues going on. I fought back, yelled and made some horrible statements that were used to “snap her out of it” since it seemed that emotional pain is what really got to her. If things became physical, I did everything I could to control the situation…I’ve never struck my wife and never will, but I’ve grabbed her arms to stop the pushing and have gone as far as held her in a corner waiting for her to calm down. When these actions didn’t quite work to my expectations, again, I walked away and refused to listen anymore and did my own thing.

Time For a Change
There came a time in our relationship where we had simply both just given up on being happy. My wife had started working again and although she loved the work, and it obviously helped with finances, she was working third shift and we had two children at home all day that were not yet in school. She was up all day taking care of the kids and was not sleeping well at all until late in the afternoon; this left it difficult to live as a family as she would go to bed the second I came home and we simply didn’t see each other anymore.

For a time, we went through the motions and grew very far apart from one another until one day, I finally *snapped* and said that this is not the life I want for myself and my family. I was angry all the time and the bipolar disorder was still a major issue that was keeping me down, although I know it was my choice to be happy or not and so began the transformation. Although it wasn’t the best way to handle the situation, I gave my wife an ultimatum on whether she was going to come back to the family life, or keep working these ridiculous hours. If she chose the work, I was going to call it quits and we were finished as a couple, otherwise, I was fully ready to make the changes I wanted and finally just love her, no matter what we’ve been through in the past.

Relocating My Own Identity
Although I made some horrible decisions myself and never really treated my wife with the proper respect, I had always hoped we would be happy together and that hope never left me, even during our darkest times. My own emotional shifts and changes included dropping some major demons including jealousy, anger, bitterness and other useless emotions that were forcing me to blind myself to who my wife really was, beyond the disorder. I then stopped thinking of this relationship as a “her and I” situation, and embrace the “us” factor…we both bring our own identities into the marriage and we are in this together, after all. I decided to educate myself on bipolar disorder and generalized anxiety disorder so that I can not only support her, but have an idea of WHY things go they way they sometimes do in our journey.

I started asking the questions I had in my own mind, rather than simply ignoring them as I did in the past. Instead of fighting my wife and telling her to stop acting the way she was, I started asking her why she was acting in such ways. Instead of ignoring her outbursts and arguments, I finally sat and listened to what she was saying whether she was being irrational or not. Instead of walking away and letting her deal with her issues alone, I sat next to her, watching and observing trying to make sense of it all.

By absorbing as much information as I could and applying a little bit of compassion, I was able to reconnect with myself and just let myself care about the one I loved. That spilled over into a new level of love and respect for my wife as I was researching the affects of bipolar disorder and what they have on the mind of the afflicted. Instead of wanting to walk away from her and the challenges, I ended up wanting to help her see better days and know that she was loved no matter what we had experienced in the past and what this illness makes her do.

True, I am not afflicted with bipolar disorder myself, but the most important person in my life is and therefore, I am afflicted by association and by choice. Rather than turn my back on the woman that goes out of her way to make me feel loved and appreciated everyday, I step up to the plate when she needs me and no matter how difficult this illness makes life for us, again, I choose to be right beside her every step of the way.

Although the variable of bipolar disorder had not yet made itself known to us until we had our fourth and final child, hindsight of course, painted a clearer picture of the past and now helps us keep our children as safe as possible when the rough patches come around.

Just about any journey into parenthood will surely have its bumps in the road based on trying to raise the children and mold them into what we feel is right for their upbringing. What I thought was going to be the hardest part of my responsibility as a new father, was finding common ground between my wife and I based on our own pasts and beliefs and how to apply these to our growing family.

When bipolar episodes hit that affect our parenting responsibilities, my dual role as a supporter and father merge together and I oftentimes have to make decisions on where to take the focus of helping the kids to understand what just happened. Some parents are willing to educate their children on these challenges as they aren’t going to leave the family anytime soon; others make the decision to take the children out of the picture altogether and end up leaving their spouse and take the kids away from them.

Parents are to be as conscious as possible when it comes to managing a bipolar family as there may indeed be times when an episode materializes and the kids may be negatively affected, or even placed in a dangerous situation. Sometimes, there must be some very difficult decisions to be made during these crucial times as when irrationality comes into play involving children, a very ugly game of tug of war may ensue.

Our Situation
First off, my wife has never struck or abused our children and to this day, no matter how difficult it gets, I do not see her ever losing the battle long enough to do so.

As to be expected in a bipolar relationship, parenting with bipolar in the family can bring forth some very challenging situations. When our first child was born, my wife dipped into some expected postpartum depression due to the major changes that come with bringing a new baby home. Since we did not know about our connection with bipolar at the time, we stuck together as best we could handing the issues as they came along with what we knew about the PPD…which wasn’t much.

In the following years of parenthood and the illness progressed, we saw more and more outbursts that were in line with some of the cycles she had been experiencing. There was an increasing amount of yelling and crying, which during these times, I started to realize that the kids were noticing the pattern as well.

We didn’t have many major challenges with bipolar episodes as a result of the children themselves, a bad night here and there, most like all parents will. It wasn’t until about five years ago, which is about the same time the diagnosis of bipolar came around, that we started to run into the real problems.

Our oldest daughter was not exactly colic throughout her younger times, but when she grew a little older, she did not like to go to bed and would yell, scream and kick her bedroom and closet doors letting us know about her disapproval. These continued for many, many nights as we tried to work with our daughter, however, the presence of bipolar was making itself known more and more during this time.

Finally, one night in particular, I was downstairs while my wife was putting our children to bed for the day. Our oldest proceeded to perform her ritual and as I was in the kitchen, I heard some sobbing…I knew it wasn’t the kids as they were all in their rooms, so I made my way to the landing of the stairs and looked up to see my wife, broken and crying uncontrollably at the top of the stairs.

Again, I wasn’t the best husband in the world and back then, I just blew it off and let her deal with the issue alone for a bit. Later on, she was still very shaken up and upset; beyond what I had seen in the past. She never really “lost it”, but made it very clear that the stress was truly affecting her an a new way that we had now seen before. Later that week, we saw her doctor and realized that bipolar was with us to stay.

How We Cope
Luckily, when episodes hit us, my wife has enough control to send the kids off to the backyard to play or to their room if she feels that it’s going to be a rough period. Either that, or she will excuse herself from whatever we are doing and go to our bedroom and close our door. Unfortunately, that isn’t always the course of action that is taken, and the kids will see the ugly side of an attack.

During the worst episodes, especially when she is forced to lash out, it will always come to me, which I am perfectly fine so long as the kids aren’t targeted. The first thing I do, if given the opportunity, is to remove the kids from the environment by means mentioned above. However, even if there is screaming involved, I know the kids can hear what’s going on and if it does indeed get bad enough, I have to make an even more difficult decision to actually get the kids and leave the house with them in order to let my wife calm down some. The flip side of this is, I’ve now left my wife alone, which can be very dangerous as well, but I have to put the kids first in this situation.

If I can drop them off at my father’s house for the night, I’ll do so and go back home and help my wife cope with the rest of the episode. This way, the children are out of the line of fire and my wife and I can focus on gaining stability once more. If the situation calls for it, which is many times, I’ll sit the children down and be fully honest with them about the illness and explain to them about why these issues happen and remind them that they are NOT the problem and that we, of course, love them with every fiber of our being.

In conclusion, parenting with bipolar disorder does indeed have its challenges and can be messy and confusing to the children of the family if not handled well, or not at all. Our own course of action is to educate our children as best we can to let them know that they are not being attacked and are truly loved regardless of what mommy or daddy is doing during the rough times. My wife will always be ‘mommy’ to them, so I would rather my children know the real person, including the illness being a part of our lives than simply turn a blind eye to the issue. I don’t expect many to feel this way, and I respect that to my fullest ability, but including our children in the journey works for us. Because of this, my children have never asked me, “Why does mommy hate us?”

During my years prior to meeting my wife, as far as I knew, I didn’t know anybody affected with bipolar disorder…however, after knowing what I do now, the disorder can do a very good job of hiding itself and those affected have learned to suppress as well thanks to stigma and potential embarrassment. Thanks to this stigma which forces those to live this way and hide certain aspects of life, after a new relationship has started, the surprises and unexpected challenges that bipolar disorder can bring to the table can really do some damage if both individuals are simply not prepared.

Since presenting the site, I have been receiving emails from couples that have either been recently introduced to bipolar disorder, or are still struggling with bipolar disorder in their well established relationships. Many of these requests ask some really good, but tough questions that still make me cringe when I think about the challenges my wife and I have dealt with in our own relationship. There are concerns about anger issues, whether their loved one hates them or not when an episode strikes and disbelief when the topic of extra-marital issues is brought up.

When I was first introduced to bipolar disorder myself, I had no idea what to expect, although my wife and I had been living with the disorder since the day we met. Starting out, there were many arguments, fights and situations where I found myself saying that I just didn’t “get it” when the irrationality would kick in. Prior to my own acceptance of every part of my wife, I had the typical, negative belief that she was crazy…and once the diagnosis came around, those feelings, at the time, were justified.

Not to take away from the pain that our loved ones are suffering with; from the outside looking in, the difficulties that bipolar disorder can bring to any individual whether that be a friend, family member, co-worker, spouse or any number of connections can be overwhelming. If and when bipolar disorder decides to make itself known, there is no discrimination based on the type of relationship that can be affected.

• Friendships can be destroyed
• Families can be torn apart
• Careers can be ruined
• Marriage can be dissolved

Friendships that have been built over time seem almost indestructible until bipolar disorder decides to appear in any number of ways. Triggers, episodes or ill-timed stresses during one’s cycle can potentially add so much strain to the friendship, that it can come to a very abrupt ending. Even if there is a full understanding including disclosure of bipolar disorder being a part of the mix, sometimes that new curve ball thrown in during a manic/hypomanic episode will truly test the boundaries of the friendship. On the other side, the depressive side can display such an overwhelming sense of negativity and hopelessness, the wedge only widens in the friendship and potentially ends due to such gloom.

Families which have been known to have the strongest bond among all of the members can take a “divide and conquer” effect. During the early stages of bipolar disorder, and the potential mix of rebellion and other adolescent based challenges brought to the family, the appearance of new cycles and episodes are overly misunderstood. These are either written off as simply bad behavior, or the uneducated are not willing to accept that their loved one is “different” than the rest of the family.

Careers and personal improvement including higher education and progression of responsibilities can induce further stress inviting triggers and new episodes that may not be well received by co-workers and higher ups. Conflicting opinions and differing ideas can add enough stress to where one can potential fire off a trigger which can send them into a state of mind that would push them into the danger zone and make potentially career ending decisions.

Marriage is thought to be the ultimate commitment from one individual to another and based on the vows we offer, nothing is allowed to break that commitment. Unfortunately, the role a spouse plays in a bipolar marriage includes being the first line of defense, and offense when the disorder hits our loved one. Horrible accusations, lashing out and lies are generally hurled at the non-suffering spouse to such a degree where the love in the marriage itself in questioned. If unable to provide that much needed support and understanding, the marriage may crumble under a weak foundation if not built together properly.

Bipolar disorder is not avoidable in the lives of many, unfortunately, many are being affected by the illness today and don’t even know it yet. Worse yet, the ones we love and care about are unable to open up and ask for help because they have learned to be afraid to do so thanks to fact that too many of us have placed labels and fear “them” because our loved ones have an illness that was never asked for in the first place.

One of the most common symptoms of bipolar disorder is insomnia, or the inability to relax enough to let the mind and body rest and sleep. In most cases, insomnia presents itself during the manic/hypomanic side of the bipolar spectrum due in part to the mind being unable to halt or slow down the thought process. If anxiety kicks in as well, the rest of the body may also prevent itself from relaxing and sleep is no where to be seen in the near future.

When my wife finds herself in the middle of a hypomanic episode, she succumbs to and accepts the condition that she is not going to get any rest until her mind and body is truly ready. Even if she does choose to take a sleep agent, her state of mind is strong enough to fight the effects and keep her wide awake and running around with no relief in sight.

During her insomnia bouts, I am also affected as I am disturbed by her lack of presence when it’s typically time for us to be sleeping. My eyes also tend to pop open as I will immediately become aware that she is up and wandering the house or tucked away in the middle of a poker tournament, all when she is to be getting her rest. As a mother of four children running the house and managing the kids while I’m at the office, it’s detrimental if she does let her exhaustion get the best of her…although rare, it does happen in cases where she has not slept in 3 or more days.

My own insomnia is resolved when I truly know and feel comfortable that she’s actually safe and is managing her insomnia safely and rationally. It is when her cycles and episodes push her into a state of anxiety and irrational thinking that puts us on alert for potential danger zones. When this occurs, I generally fore-go my own sleep schedule and will stay up with her as to offer her the security that she’s not alone and if needed and in the mood to do so, will just sit there for hours, listening and helping her through the issues as best I can.

In order to identify the potential underlying reason for the insomnia, we must keep a close eye on the situations that we know can trigger an episode or shift in cycles, or use such tools as deductive reasoning to possibly figure out “why” we are in the current phase. In our case, there were recent challenges that we both encountered that aided in a mini-episode, in turn triggering a cycle shift and introduced a series of thoughts and reactions that would not allow my wife to simply relax.

If our loved ones are experiencing such challenges, there are a number of potential reasons for the insomnia to watch out for including seasonal changes and triggers, new or altered medications, environmental stress and many more. Again, with the individuality factor mixed in with bipolar disorder, each person can experience a version of their symptoms differently than another, which is another reason why the supporters must be in constant connection with their loved one as to notice the atypical differences that can cause the insomnia and perhaps, make enough of a change to minimize or relieve the bout altogether.

Another potential gotcha to keep an eye on is that some over the counter (OTC) meds can have an opposite effect on some. My wife has an “emergency” bottle of Ambien when times do get tough, but we’ve noticed that in many cases, this will either intensify her thought process, or will prolong the period of insomnia.